Mish-Mash...

I present some more stylings by Emerson:

She added the hat to the ensemble, with a flashlight as an accessory. The other night Marcus gave them each a flashlight at bed time. They had a great time and didn't think about bottles once. Of course when they were still awake giggling around 9 I told Marcus we probably needed to take them away. 

Another outfit. She's cute. As a side note it took me so long to put these puzzles away. I started putting them away about 7 different times, but every time they noticed then they decided it was time to play with it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A bowl full of fruit off a tree makes me very happy. Thanks to a gift from a member in my congregation.

This wall paper in my kitchen makes my very unhappy. I can't help but think that someone found wall paper  with the word God on it and decided, "Perfect!" After all what other wall paper might a parsonage contain? I think I'm going to ask the trustees if I can remove it. Of course I'm afraid I will offend who ever picked it out. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Eli took these pictures. He turned the camera on and said, "cheese, cheese, cheese" and he took about 10 pictures. He was so pleased with himself. It was adorable. Plus we now have some really great shots of the ceiling and the exercise ball.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I went shopping for books at my church today. We have a room filled with books that someone donated at some point to sell. Every time I make copies I just look at all the titles. Since we're having a church rummage sale next week I decided I better pull out what I want. I came home with these.

From the bottom up:

1. The Shadow of the Wind By Carlos Ruiz Zafon

2. Nigh by Elie Wiesel

3. In Defense of Women by H.L. Mencken

4. Thirteen Moons by Charles Frazier

5. In the Woods by Tana French

6. Black Hawk Down by Mark Bowden

7. About Grace by Anthony Doerr

8. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon

9. The Reader by Bernhard Schlink

10. Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells

11. The perfect Mile by Neal Bascomb

12. Cry the Beloved Country by Alan Paton

13. Pigs in Heaven by Barbara Kingsolver

14. Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt

15. Earthly Joys by Phillippa Gregory

16. The Virgin's Lover by Phillippa Gregory

17. In the Wake of the Plague: The Black Plague & The World It made by Norman Cantor

Plus I got these books to post on Paperback swaps (I already own copies of them)

1. The glass Castle 

2. In Cold Blood

3. Middlesex

and a few others. It was a gold mine all for the low price of $6.00

I was hoping Marcus wouldn't see me walking back from the church with my arms full of books (he seems to think that I already have too many. It's not possible to have too many books). He was outside washing the car though and we he saw me he shook his head and said, "You have got to be kidding me." But come on it's a bargain. How can you argue with those prices. These poor books have been sitting in the church for who knows how long. I'm just giving them a home. I wish I knew other people in the area that loved books too, because there are so many great ones (many that I already own copies of. Someone who will love them should have them).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My crohn's took a brief vacation the past couple of days and it was so nice. I was really productive and had some energy. Today it came back. *sigh*

Good Night!

When you let a 2 year old pick out their outfit...

you get this!

Awesome right?! The best part is I let her walk back over to the church with me because I forgot a few things. I didn't think anyone would be there. Turns out one of my congregants was cleaning out a closet. When she saw Emmy she gave me a look and tried not to laugh, as she said, "Emerson dear you look great." haha

She also found a spray bottle of water today and decided to do some dusting. 

Very helpful.

At this point she's annoyed with me taking her picture.

She's having a bad day. She's acting 'very' two. Lots of screaming, lots of crying, everything results in hysterics. 

She came home from church before I was finished with fellowship hour. According to Marcus she melted down and screamed at the door of our house for me. Eli was beside himself with worry. He just kept getting his blanket and running to Marcus and looking at his sissy.

An exclusive swim club...

One of the most interesting aspects about our little town of Mayberry is the cost of the swimming pool. To obtain a pool membership it costs $400. When I first moved here I had to ask several times, because it was not computing. Surely, a membership at the very small town pool would not be $400. Wouldn't it make more sense for it to cost like a $1.50 or something each time a person wanted to swim? But no it's $400, and the other day a member of my church invited our family to the exclusive swim club and I was curious what you get for $400.

Well let me show you.

The sign. Alerting everyone that this is the Eastside Swim Club. An exclusive private swim club.

And here it is in all it's glory. 

But Eli & Emmy love. When we mention we're going swimming they spring into action, and then take off running down the sidewalk. (In true Mayberry like fashion the pool is about a one minute walk for us).

Eli is ready.

The end. (Notice the blue lips on Eli. This boy gets cold so easy).

The pool is fine I just think the cost is outrageous and the sign makes me laugh because at one point it may have been a private swim club, but these days it's just small town, run down, over priced pool.

On another note I think the cost of the pool is a justice issue, a small justice issue but one none-the-less. We live in a very small town. In the summer it's regularly over 100 degrees and the cost of the pool prohibits a large segment of the community from actually using, one of the only recreational activities in town. 

Disappointing Birth experience and moving on...

I've written quite a bit these last couple of years about my birth experience and the disappointment, sadness, and anger that I have/had surrounding the circumstances of their birth. Particularly that I was put all the way under. (You can read the full story here and here). On a multiples message board that I frequent someone asked about being put all the way under and our experiences and so I shared my story and included this as part of it:

I hated missing their birth and I still have a lot of anger and sadness about the fact that I was not "present" when they entered the world. My husband was also not allowed in the OR for their birth because I was all the way under. 

After I wrote my response which included the above another poster commented.

It makes me sad when I see women mourn the loss of a particular birth experience to the extent that it affects them a year or more later. In my opinion the health and safety of everyone involved is much more important than the details of how it went down. 

I've been thinking a lot about her statement, not because it offends me, or makes me mad. More that I'm reflecting on where I am now with the whole situation.

Part of my initial anger about the birth experience was it was just another thing that went wrong in the world of trying to have a family. 1.) Septum surgery 2.) Azoospermia 3.) Pre-term labor 4.) Hospital bed-rest 5.) Premature rupture of the membranes resulting in premature babies 6.) General anesthesia for their birth 7.) Marcus not being present for their birth due to #6 8.) NICU 9.) Postpartum depression/anxiety.

Frankly, I was just mad about all of it. The infertility, the complications in the pregnancy, and then it was topped off with not being awake for their birth. These were not really happy times, and they should have been.

I understand the sentiment that I should just be grateful we're all here and healthy, that's not particularly helpful. I had spoken with hematologist on several different occasions about a C-section with my bleeding disorder. Not one of them EVER mentioned that general anesthesia would be the go to method from the start. It was always presented as a worse case scenario. Had I been prepared even a little bit for it not being an option I might feel differently (maybe).

Also, I actually think I'm in a pretty positive place these days regarding the whole experience. I stand by what I said it does make me sad and angry. But it makes me sad and angry in the same way my parents divorce does. I wish it didn't happen, it's not how I imagined or ever dreamed things might be, but I've also accepted that they are in fact divorced. That doesn't mean there aren't times when I'm still sad that my kids will never know my parents as a couple. It doesn't mean that I sometimes don't mourn what could have been, it's an event that's sad and yes it impacted my life and probably always will to some degree. But it's no longer something I dwell on or cry about on a daily basis, as it was in the beginning.

I'm in a similar place with my birth experience. Yes, it still makes me sad when I see pictures or hear about a "normal" delivery. I'm still sad that I wasn't "present" when they entered the world, but it no longer affects me in a really profound way on a daily basis.

I'm incredibly disappointed that it couldn't be different, especially since I don't know if we'll ever get to try again. However, it's a part of my story and I'm okay with feeling sad about it, even two years later.

I'm allowed to experience that story in it's fullness. Yes, I'm grateful we're all here and healthy. I know others have had worse experiences that me, but that doesn't discount how I feel about the whole thing. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do mourn the loss and that's okay. When I look back I also don't have the happy emotions that I always thought I would when I gave birth to my children and that sucks.

I think part of the healing process is recognizing and fully allowing the emotions to be shared. Sue Monk Kidd in her book Firstlight writes, "When I ache inside with a problem... [I remember] that help and healing do not come when we pretend or mask our pain, but rather when we are honest and admit our need" (28).

I think that's what the processing of the birth experience has been like. I can't pretend that I'm not sad or disappointed, that's lying to myself and not allowing a space to honor those feelings. However, by getting to verbalize those emotions it allows room for healing.

Enough rambling. I don't even know if this makes any sense, this is probably a sign I should go to bed.

Do you pin?

I've mentioned before that I've recently discovered pinterest and I love it. I created this mailing system based off of inspiration from there and now today I finally finished a second project.

I made these. We needed something to hang in our dining room and so using this as inspiration this is what resulted. I actually started this project a couple of weeks ago. I'm really bad about finishing projects. I think partly because it never really turns out as well as I imagined so I get discouraged halfway through and then quit. Marcus was tired of these 9 blocks of wood hanging out in our house so I decided I should just finish them.

I had a hard time deciding what I wanted to write on the black blocks. I didn't want to do something to cliche like "Live, laugh, love" so this is what I came up with. 

Some progress pictures. I used a board cut into 5x7 pieces (almost). I just painted the sides of the 6 pieces that would have pictures on them. Notice the one that's scribbled all over. That's a 2 year olds idea of help. 

Then Marcus and I just picked a few pictures that we've had taken from the last 2 years and used our home printer to print them. I think if I were to do this again I would use actually photos instead of printed at  home photos. The modge podge that I used to secure them wasn't very kind to the pictures. 

Also to paint the words I just printed them out in word, taped then in place and traced really hard with a pencil. This left enough of an indentation on the wood that I could then fill it in with white paint. 

We used nails and a soda tab as the wall hanger. Cheap and effective (This is another pinterest trick). 

The inspiration picture is a lot more polished but my project cost me nothing. Everything we used we had on hand. Although had I bought the materials for this project I think a pretty accurate estimate would be about $7 for the wood and the paint. (Since we printed the pictures at home).

Next up: Marcus was bored so I showed him an entry way idea that I liked and he went and built a shelf. He's sanding it here. Hopefully that will be finished soon. 

Can you spot the toddler?

To follow up to my post yesterday about Emmy's love for her "things" here's what she looks like asleep in the midst of all it.

We removed some of the stuff. She also pulls her sheet off the mattress every night before she falls asleep. Who knows why. 

This is part of her entourage at breakfast. Piggy is sitting in the chair and the rest received a spot on the table. She is annoyed with me because I wouldn't let her get the rest of them. Her eggs were getting cold but she can't spend 20 minutes gathering her "friends" before each meal. Dinner looked very similar. 

A much better day...

--Today was much better than the other day when I was feeling sorry for myself. Physically, today for the first time in almost a week my crohn's pain has subsided a great deal so that in itself transforms my outlook on things. Being in physical pain constantly is one of the most frustrating things in the world.

--The no bottle thing is going okay. We did really well yesterday without a bottle and they both went to bed as usual without too much fuss. Then around 11:30 they both woke up crying for a bottle. *sigh* So we ended up giving them some water in a bottle. Which is the best but they were hysterical.

We didn't give them any bottles today and hopefully they won't wake up tonight.

--Marcus has a job interview at a rehabilitation place on Monday. We're really hoping something comes of this!

--It's been really hot here these last few days. So the other day Marcus and I had a water fight with Eli & Emmy outside. It was mostly Marcus and I throwing buckets of water on each other and Eli & Emmy laughing hysterically as they tried to pour water on us. It was one of those really fun, "hey look this is my family" kind of moments (does that make any sense)?

Eli with his bowl of water ready to get his dad. The only problem is that by time he got near his dad most of the water had already spilled out of the bowl. 

We also ran through the sprinklers for the first time today. Emmy loved it. (I don't normally wear my swimming suit when they play outside, but Emmy ran to the bedroom and grabbed it from where it had been hung to dry and brought it me and said, "mama, eh, eh." Which means Mama put this on and come swim. It's hard to refuse that kind of invitation). 

Eli after running through the sprinkler. We had to carry them through.

However, the unfortunate side effect of having a water fight with 2 year olds is they now think bath time is another opportunity for a water fight. Eli has taken to throwing water out of the tub onto us. This is not good.

--Emmy had kind of a rough day and had to go in timeout on two different occasions. Poor Eli, when ever Emmy gets in trouble he runs out of the room. Then he slowly walks back in and often will go sit himself in the corner. Silly kid. We'll have to work on this.

All-in-all just a much better day. Let's hope the pain stays away.

We've overcome our paranoia...

well mostly anyway. When we brought Eli & Emerson home from the NICU we were among the most paranoid parents in the history of the universe. We look back at ourselves now and wonder how those around us didn't do some sort of intervention. My friends merely did as we requested and never made me feel like a crazy person, and I think my family made jokes but we mostly just ignored them. Plus we lived thousands of miles away, so that helped with their inability to stage a full out intervention (plus it wouldn't have worked we were to paranoid and scared).

We were worried about any kind of SIDS risk, or frankly just any risk at all. Plus the NICU nurses did an excellent job of scaring us silly of even swaddling our children so for the first few days of their lives we put them in a crib like this.

No swaddling, no nothing.

I joked with Marcus that they had the prison cell of cribs. I will say that this no swaddling idea lasted about two days, before I just couldn't take it anymore. NICU nurse advice or not, putting two tiny babies down without swaddling went against all of my natural instincts (and I didn't feel like I had many so I really clung to the ones I did). So Marcus relented and agreed because really don't they just look kind of sad, plopped in the crib with nothing and we moved on to this...

Wrapped in blankets, but with their arms out. Again the arms out thing was on the advice of the NICU nurses. So we swaddled from the waist. (Sometimes I look back at ourselves and shake my head). But the blankets often unraveled and we feared they would suffocate so we adapted once again to these...

some velcro sleep things. But again notice we left the arms out, and we also put up a breathable bumper. 

As they got older we did allow them on extra blanket. That blue blanket is Eli's lovey but that's it nothing else. Now I provided all of this background information because these days Emerson requires a lot of "things" before she goes to sleep. When we tell her it's nap time or bedtime she goes around collecting all assortments of things and usually singing as she does it. Her pig and blanket of course. A few books, some other stuffed animals, her babies etc. etc. I would like to show what Emerson's crib looks like these days...

Ta-da! 

The most hilarious and adorable thing about this is she gathers these things around her and then plops right in the middle of them and goes to sleep. Of course Marcus and I go in often and move stuff away from her mouth and face. I can't help but wonder if the early years of crib loneliness have caused her to go a bit overboard in this department. Although the problem with all of this stuff is she often loses the things she needs the most like her blanket in the midst of the chaos. So she'll cry for her "blanket' and we'll have go in a dig it out. Crazy girl. She cracks me up. 

See how far we've come. From stark prison cribs too... well I'm not sure what this is, but to this. 

Going cold turkey...

Marcus has finally decided he's buckling down and going cold turkey with the bottles tomorrow. I say Marcus because I haven't given them a bottle in forever. In fact Eli doesn't even ask me. Even if I'm the one laying him down or holding him he looks around and says, "dada baba." Although yesterday at nap time Marcus wasn't home and Eli did ask me, but I just said nope and left it at that.

Eli is very persistent when he wants his bottle and he's so giddy and cute when it gets one. The whole process feels so mean.

I heard Marcus today telling Eli & Emerson about how today was their last days with their bottles and it was time for their bottles to go to the little babies. I'm thinking they're not quite going to understand that trick but at least he's explaining things. We'll see how it goes.

I won't be home for part of the day tomorrow (work meeting out of town) hopefully Marcus can remain strong.

Things that make me unhappy...

As you can tell from the title of this post today isn't a whole lot better than yesterday, so to continue being a downer I'm going to list the things that are currently making me unhappy.

1. Crohn's disease. I'm in so much pain today. I can't function or do anything. Right about now I would be willing for the doctors to just remove my intestines if that would make the pain go away (I'm pretty sure it would just cause more pain but right now this is the point I'm at).

2. The lack of decent health insurance. My health insurance sucks a lot, plus it doesn't kick in until September 1st. So I have no medication for my crohn's and at the moment I don't have $750 to pay for it. Even when my insurance kicks in soon that won't make much of a difference. Stupid stupid health insurance companies. They're a joke and a rip off. My premium is massive for no coverage perfect system.

3. The economy. Marcus needs a job and it just so happens that we moved to the county in CA with the highest unemployment rate. Yay us.

4. The mess that is my house on a regular basis. Why do two year olds insist on dragging everything out of their play room? It's impossible to keep this place picked up and clean.

5. This directly ties in with point #1 but I'm so tired of feeling awful all the time. I just want energy and a day with no pain. That shouldn't be so much to ask. I feel like an old lady at age 26 it's pathetic.

I think I'll stop there. Here's hoping tomorrow will be better.

ETA: On the upside. Emmy just came and gave my tummy a kiss to make it better and then brought me a blanket. Such a sweet girl.

I've had a blah kind of a day...

Have you ever had someone who is virtually a stranger write you a letter with some weird unsolicited advice? Today a man I have met once wrote me a letter to inform me that I'm ungrateful, and my lack of gratitude is bad for my reputation. *sigh*

I don't understand. I feel like for the last two months all anybody has had to say to me is sometime critical. We don't like this song, we don't like that scripture, why didn't you turn the lights on, don't wear a robe when you preach, why don't you do this? or that?, oh and your business card is wrong too, you're a woman in ministry that's not biblical blah blah blah. It really starts to wear on the soul to only hear negative.

It is not necessary or okay to comment on every aspect of my existence. I really and truly am doing the best that I can with everything. I realize that while I'm new at this, I do have some education to back me up, some experience, and a host of friends who are also in ministry. I'm not going to do things the exact way someone else would and it's unrealistic to expect that.

That's not to say there haven't been some really wonderful people too, but the letter today really just didn't sit well with me. It made me uncomfortable and it hurt my feelings, and it's just left me feeling blah.

A Few Zoo Pictures...

I kind of had a mommy fail in that I hardly took any pictures at the zoo. But Eli & Emmy were all over the place and pretty much all of my focus went into making sure one of them didn't accidently wander into a pond or go off with another family, or get attacked by the peacocks they let wander around the place (Why do they do that? Have I mentioned I'm ridiculously afraid of peacocks and their feathers for no reason). Poor Emmy would wander off to look at something, then look up expecting to see me, and look a little bewildered when it was a stranger.

One of the most interesting thing about my kids is they're not afraid of the dark at all. This fascinates me because when I was little I was terrified of the dark and I guess I just sort of expected it to be similar, but they're totally unfazed. Eli often shuts Emerson in the closet and she just plays casually, occasionally knocking on the door. Same with Eli. Often when I'm getting ready for the day they'll shut themselves in our master closest and hang out. It's really bizarre.

One exhibit at the zoo was for the Aye Aye... I still don't even really know what they were a lemur of some sort I think. They are nocturnal animals so the zoo has created a super dark room for the Aye Ayes you can go in and 'see' these creatures in all their nocturnal glory. The only problem with this is it's so dark you can't see anything. We were ushered into this room with 15 other people and they shut the door. Then they casually said, "okay walk forward, use the wall on the right to guide yourself." Well the wall on my right ended up being some guy that I grabbed, so that was awkward and I was holding Emerson in my arms, trying not to fall

Emeson however just wanted down. I was totally out of sorts, unable to see, running into people, and she was completely comfortable read to explore (and then I was terrified and had thoughts of losing her in the aye aye exhibit or someone taking her from me, it was so dark). We did get to see the shadows of the Aye Aye's but you literally couldn't actually see what they were. Then Emerson kept grabbing people around us and whispering "dada? dada?" One guy whispered back, "I'm not your daddy."

It was so weird. After we left the exhibit we looked at a picture so we could figure out what we were suppose to be viewing. Not the best idea I've ever seen, but Eli & Emmy seemed totally fine with the darkness as though nothing was amiss.

I also have been to so many zoos that I no longer take pictures of the animals. That's horrible right? I just don't know what I would do with a million more pictures of monkey's. This is so unlike me usually I really love pictures.

Eli & Emmy loved the statues of animals more than the actual animals. 

They're climbing on an elephant here. 

At one point Emmy just sat down. i guess she was tired or something. 

She also has a recent fascination with leaves. When we walk she stops every couple of seconds to pick up a leaf. 

They also really loved this fountain. Eli kept trying to climb up, and throwing money inside was super fun too. 

Climbing on the hippo

Looking at something...

Hugging another statute. 

A family picture at the zoo.

It was cold in San Francisco. I warned Marcus of this before we left (and he didn't really believe me) and so one the way there we had to stop and buy Eli & Emmy sweatshirts and pants because they own neither of those things. Mayberry is hot all the time.

They both feel asleep right after we left the zoo. 

Of course it took us so long to find our way out of San Francisco that they had already woken up by the time we figured out how to get out. 

A side note: Our GPS system sucks. She (we call her Ms. Ellie) has GPS dementia or something. She's always steering us down the wrong path and we just follow. Once I accidently told the GPS to avoid highways so we were driving our way across Oregon and she told us to take a left turn down a dirt trail. I had a feeling that was probably incorrect but we did it anyways. Lesson learned always check the settings of the GPS and bring maps. Ms. Ellie had no idea how to get us out of San Francisco. We did get a lovely little tour of the entire city though, before Marcus took matters into his own hands. Then Ms. Ellie flipped out, "recalculating, recalculating etc etc"  

Sometimes technology is not our friend. Of course Marcus is convinced that they answer to all of our problems is an iphone... I sort of agree with him. Maybe one day when we're rich until then I think we need to buy a map.  

Being with friends...

is restoration for the soul. We met up with a good friend of my from college and her fiance today and went to the San Francisco Zoo. It was so nice to see her again after four years. It was nice to leave Mayberry and hang out with old friends. To laugh, talk and remember old times from college (when life wasn't so complicated). In some ways its crazy how much has changed in those four years since we've graduated from college.

I've been having a hard time since our move. Living in our new town is taking some major adjustments (I'm a city girl I just am I can't help it), the stress of Marcus not being able to find a job despite his efforts, stress about my crappy insurance situation and the cost of my medications. I've just had a lot of my mind.

To add to the excitement I get the privilege of preforming my friend and her fiancé's wedding ceremony! My first one. They seem comfortable with the fact that I've never actually done a wedding before, but I've never done a funeral before either. I suppose somebody has to be the first.

It was a good day. (Despite Bay Area traffic which makes Marcus cranky, and our defective GPS that doesn't actually work).

I'll post some pictures tomorrow. I Must sleep so I can preach in a coherent way tomorrow.

Review: The Kid by Sapphire

Sapphire, author of Push invites readers back into the world of abuse, poverty, and stolen childhood in her newest novel The Kid. We meet Abdul Jones, the son of Precious on the day of his mother's funeral, and from there we follow Abdul through childhood and into adulthood.


To see my full review you can go here


It's without a doubt a hard book to read, but I think in the end there's value to it. Has anyone read anything by Sapphire? Push or her newest novel The Kid. I would love to hear your thoughts (you can comment under my review) her books are controversial.  

My Children have lost their minds...

See!

They're so funny. They're all over the place all day long. Two year olds can be so much fun. They can also be turn in about a second. Today Marcus and Eli had the following conversation.

Eli: baba (bottle)

Marcus: No how about your cup

Eli: NOOOOOOooooooooooooo (in a really high whiny voice). Baba

Marcus: No how about your cup

Eli: NOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo, baba

repeat, repeat. At one point I echoed Eli's whiny no for him. Eli thought this was hilarious, apparently me saying NOOOOOOOOOoooooooo is funny, but we're suppose to respond to his plea for a bottle.

Dinner was also a nightmare tonight. For some reason Emerson decided she should play with all her food. Yogurt ended up on the wall and Emerson ended up needing a quick timeout.

Speaking of timeouts, what kind of "punishment" techniques do others use with their toddlers. Right now we've been sitting them in the corner for a few minutes after they do something they know they're not suppose to do. This make Emerson sad, Eli could care less *sigh*  

I haven't been able to sleep...

for about and week and it's making me go crazy. It's awful. I can't seem to quiet my mind enough to allow me to sleep even though I'm exhausted. On Monday I finally fell asleep around 6:30 in the morning so essentially no sleep. Then on Tuesday I decided around midnight to take a tylenol PM because I needed sleep. (This is what my doctor recommends). Well even this didn't help. All it did was give me that loopy, foggy head, feeling, which made the inability to fall asleep even worse.

Last night Eli woke up around 2:30am crying (this is a pretty common occurrence). He usually cries for a few minutes and then quiets but he didn't last night, and since I was already awake I went to check on him. As soon as he saw me he stopped crying. So I left the room and he started crying hysterically so I went back again and immediately he stopped.

So I decided that since I couldn't sleep anyways I would just lay next to his crib until he fell back asleep. He's a funny boy though because even though he was exhausted and barely keeping his eyes open he was still playing "jokes" on me. Putting his hand out for me to grab, and then pulling it away before I could grab it. Each time he did this he got a small smile on his face as his eyes drooped.

I have no idea what the issue is or why he wakes up so often in the night. I wonder if he's having a bad dream. I also discovered just how restless of a sleeper Emmy is when I was laying in their room. I knew she moved a lot because she's never in the same position, but she tosses and turns and slams into her crib. All with piggy in her arms. I fear that when we switch her to a toddler bed she'll fall out.

I have always been amazing though that in their 27 months of life they have never woken the other up from crying. They can each sleep through each others disturbances it's truly a mystery to me.

Here's hoping for some sleep tonight.

Speaking their language...

Today as we were finished dinner Marcus decided we should go to the park for a little bit, especially since it had cooled off so much. Marcus asked, "Emerson do you want to go to the park?"

She shook her head and said, "uh, uh" (or however you spell it).

So then I asked, "Emmy do you want to go to the wee?"

Because wee is what both Eli & Emerson call the park. She dropped her fork mid-bite, and sprinted to the door. When told her she and Eli both needed diapers first so she sprinted to the room to get some. Then after Marcus changed her diaper she ran over to Eli, diaper in hand prepared to change Eli's as well. She was very clearly trying to rush us.

Then as they were headed to the door again I told Marcus I had to grab my shoes. Upon hearing this Emmy took off running again in hot pursuit. It was hysterical. Apparently, they have no understanding what the word park means, but wee is a word they're very familiar with haha.

:::

I know we need to be working on eliminating the bottles (and we are), but isn't he cute? He wrapped himself up in the blanket from his crib, and his holding is lovie blanket in his arms. I just about died from the cuteness when I saw how he snuggled up with his blankets on the floor. Still my baby. 

Random Ramblings...

I'm bored with summer. I'm tired of the heat, I bored with the liturgical year (it's not a very exciting time in the church calendar).

I want rain, fall weather, fall clothes, fall holidays, new classes and church events. I'm just ready for something different.

Did I mention I really, really want it to rain? My favorite thing is the world, is to curl up on the couch, with a blanket, and a book while it rains outside.

::::

This morning 4 guys were smoking weed on the steps of the church. I was kind of taken aback by their boldness, and then I had to wonder if they remembered it was Sunday. Then I wondered if maybe they did it because it was Sunday. Who knows? I never know what to do in these situations. Four bigs guys, one little me, do I tell them to leave, do I hope they leave on their own? We have no Sheriff in town (see it's even worse than the "real" Mayberry they at least had a sheriff. My Mayberry has no sheriff). If they're going to hang out on the steps of the church I at least wish they would come in and worship with us. They did leave before church started and before I even had to head over to the church. I could just seen them from my window, and Marcus on his run this morning went past them.

::::

We have peaches growing on a tree outside. It thrills Eli & Emerson to death to go pick a peach and then eat it. I love it! They always come in saying, "tree, tree, tree gibberish, gibberish, gibberish, tree" this is how they tell me stories. It's adorable.

::::

I need to get a CA license ASAP. I'm a little afraid I will fail the written test. That's pathetic isn't it? I've been a licensed drive for 11 years. We'll see how it goes.

::::

The other night I confessed a random fear I had to Marcus. For the first time in the lives of Eli & Emerson their room is on the ground floor. Before we lived on the second floor of an apartment, and most recently in a two level townhouse. So their room was always up high. I have this random fear that someone is going to break into our home and take a child. I know it's ridiculous. Once I said it out loud I felt better and he only laughed a little (in a loving way) and then made sure the window was locked.

::::

I still check and make sure they're breathing after they fall asleep? Do other parents do that too? When if ever do you think it stops?

::::

I've only read two books so far in August. That's pathetic. I think I need some rain to get me back in a reading mood. Plus a few new good book suggestions. Anyone have a book they've loved recently? I need something please.

::::

Eli ran up behind the pulpit today and started playing the piano in the middle of the church service. They were acting like 2 year olds a lot at church today. Oh, those PK's (pastors kids).

:::

I've got to write an article about myself for the clergy women's newsletter. I find writing about myself to be incredibly difficult. Especially since the newsletter has a theme. It's due tomorrow. Well done on the procrastination Sadie... well done.

I have high hopes that someday I'll stop procrastinating...

:::

I read a NYT article today on Twin pregnancy reduction . I'm too tired to respond fully but I sometimes feel like they find some of the most extreme or odd people to highlight in these articles about ART. For example this quote:

“If I had conceived these twins naturally, I wouldn’t have reduced this pregnancy, because you feel like if there’s a natural order, then you don’t want to disturb it. But we created this child in such an artificial manner — in a test tube, choosing an egg donor, having the embryo placed in me — and somehow, making a decision about how many to carry seemed to be just another choice. The pregnancy was all so consumerish to begin with, and this became yet another thing we could control.”

What an odd statement. I "know" lost of people who used ART to conceive their babies. 50% of the women on Moms of Multiples board in fact. I don't know anyone who feels that their pregnancy was consumerish. I certainly don't even though we paid for the sperm and the doctors to get me pregnant. I would also like to point out that my twins while not conceived spontaneously are natural. (Small pet peeve). This woman's whole statement just rubbed me the wrong way. Like I said the NYT picks weird people to highlight. (Plus the comments on these articles... eek to some of them).

Anyways, interesting article. I will say that when I saw my OB for the first time after being released from my RE and I told her I was having twins her response was, "And are you okay with that?" I just answered, "Don't I have to be?" And that was the end of the conversation. I've always wondered what was behind the question, but I never pressed the issue.

Good night!

A horror story of reproductive medicine gone wrong ...

I haven't yet gotten around to writing or even showing pictures about the wedding Eli & were part of in June. Those 4 days were awesome and it was so great to see my friends, but as soon as we got back we had to leave again and then we moved. However, from the moment this incident occurred I've been wanting to tell the story and since I can't sleep I'm going to do that now.

The morning of the wedding I was with the other bridesmaids and it was my turn for the hairdresser. We started making small talk and when I mentioned I had two year old twins, the first thing out of her mouth was, "So who was your doctor?"

I was shocked at the question (people aren't usually so blunt) and finally just said that we used an RE in CT. She then asked me if we did IVF. She knew the terminology pretty well so I was convinced that I was speaking to a fellow IFer. So I started talking some about our struggles, that it took 3 years etc. You know all the things that someone who has also gone through IF would understand. I then waited to hear her story. I knew she had children so I assumed she too was a success after infertility story.

Oh my how I was wrong. Her response, "Oh, I can get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I did IVF to get a girl."

**Cue my mouth dropping open**

I had no words. She proceeded to tell me all about how she can get pregnant without any effort (which is such a lovely thing to say to someone who has just shared that it took 3 years to have their children...) Anyways, after having her two boys she was convinced that she was never, ever going to have a girl. (She made this seem like the worst fate possible. A travesty, life cannot go on situation *gag*) So she went to a clinic in Southern California that caters to those who want to pick the sex of their child. According to her there are two such clinics that exist in the United States.

I was appalled. I had heard stories about the existence of such places,  (usually uttered by people opposed to IF treatments) but I had never really considered that there were clinics whose sole purpose was the selection of the sex of an unborn baby.

I was pretty much done with the lady at this point, but she was doing my hair, was holding a hot curling iron and there was no escape. So lucky me, I got to hear all the details of her cycle. How she spent $25,000 trying to get a girl, had 6 embryos that were girls but none of them made it. Ultimately, her IVF cycle was not successful.

Then, then... it gets worse (I didn't think it could but it does).

Then, she finds a doctor who willingly wrote her a prescription for clomid so she could have a girl??!! What the heck!? First of all clomid does not assist with the sex of the baby. Second, clomid is a medication, it is not candy, and should only be used in a monitored cycle when necessary. The fact that she found a doctor to go along with her quest for a girl scheme and wrote a prescription for clomid was astounding and appalling.

I asked if she was monitored she said no. I asked if she was worried about high order multiples, or cysts, or any other negative side effects from a drug she did not need. She said no, and wouldn't you know it she did end up having a girl. She's convinced it was because of the clomid. I'm convinced that she's an idiot as are her doctors.

There were other parts of the conversation that were super bizarre. Something about a mans sperm and temperature and how that makes the sperm turn into a boy or a girl (I think she was confusing human sperm with Alligator eggs that's a random fact I learned in Agriculture education in high school). She knew nothing about biology and I was just done with her in general and didn't wish to argue. I tried my best to indicate the ways in which her treatment was misguided, but she wasn't hearing any of it.

This woman was a walking advertisement of reproductive medicine gone wrong. I had no words, it was an awful conversation for me and I could not wait to escape.

This woman represented for me someone who is the cause of so much opposition to reproductive medicine. She's a prime example of why people try to legislate an end to ART (Artificial Reproductive Technology), she's an example of so many misunderstandings about ART's purpose and function. ART is to assist those with medical conditions and diagnosis'. It is not to pick the sex of a child!! It's not a game. It's heartbreaking, difficult, expensive, and not something I would ever chose for myself if I had any other choice. Yet, this woman makes a mockery of this technology, of the decisions that so many have to make because they have no other choice, solely because she wanted a daughter to dress up in pink!! Her two boys were not enough, the thought of a third boy was to much to take, poor her. Arggg!!!

*deep breathes**

Luckily, one of my friends was doing her hair next to me (this friend knows our TTC history) and she witnessed the entire conversation. At that point the whole exchange was so bizarre and unsettling I was grateful that later I would be able to vent to someone who actually heard those words coming from her mouth.

I must now try to sleep and calm down because even writing about this event infuriates me.

Piggy gets a tail & doctor visit...

I don't think I've formally introduced you all to piggy. Last year Emmy had a piggy that she loved, but that piggy was lost never to be found. Despite our best efforts in finding an exact replica of that lost piggy we just couldn't find one and poor Emmy was devastated.

So I posted a picture and an ad on etsy and asked someone to make my sweet girl a new pig, and Emmy and piggy 2.0 have been BFFs ever since.

Emmy's favorite part of the piggy is the tail and so it didn't take long for the tail to come all of the way off (and totally uncurled). I'd been meaning to reattach the tail for quite some time when I noticed yesterday that piggy had its tail back. The only thing is it was totally off center. I laughed hysterically at piggy's lopsided tail, Emmy was delighted and Marcus just shrugged his shoulders, "I couldn't get it in the middle."

I asked Emmy if we could take piggy's picture and she was more than happy to comply.

Emmy & piggy

I asked Emmy to show me the tail, so she did. 

A better view of piggy's totally off-center tail haha. 

:::::::

For the past few weeks we've noticed that Emmy's left eye turns in and stays there. So now that we've finally gotten their insurance situation worked out we called around and made an appointment with a pediatrician so we could get a referral. 

*sigh* it did not go well. First we waited about 1.5 hours and then when we were finally seen the doctor pretty much called me a liar. In the 3 minutes she spent with Emerson, her eye didn't cross, therefore according to the doctor perhaps there's nothing wrong with her eye.

I suppose that's one option. Because dragging my child into a doctor for over an hour is such a fun use of my time. Or... and perhaps the more likely option is that her eye doesn't turn in on demand. It's worse when she wakes up and she's tired. Staring and shining a light into her eye's for three minutes is probably not an accurate representation of what we see since we spend 24 hours with her every day.

I was incredibly annoyed with the doctor and we'll keep searching and exploring our options for a pediatrician. I don't appreciate essentially being told that I'm a liar. We did ultimately get a recommendation, hopefully it doesn't take too long to get in, her eye is getting worse each day. Crossing for a more prolonged period of time. 

Notice her left eye turned in. Poor girl. 

Anyone out there deal with this at all? What did the doctor's do to help correct it? 

I finished a project...

I discovered Pinterest a few days ago and I already love it, what a brilliant concept. So when I browsing the other day (instead of writing my sermon) I found an adorable way to organize mail here. This was a definite necessity because our mail is out of control, all over the place, and I can't keep track of anything (i.e. I've misplaced Eli & Emmy's insurance cards).

So I showed Marcus the picture, he told me to write my sermon, but he went out to the garage and made the frames for the mail system.

We had the left over wood for our table making endeavor. They're 10 in. wide and we used 2x2 in the back and a 1x8 in the front. 

Then I covered them with fabric and used a staple gun to hold it in place. 

Then I found these cute little chalk-board signs at JoAnn's and there we go a simply way to keep track of our mail. If only I would have found pinterest before I lost their medical cards. Also this is going to help me keep track of the church mail without losing any important bills (not that I would ever do that).

By the way I never finish projects ever. I have a million half finished things all over so the fact that this was finished in 3 days is amazing for me. Now we just need to actually finish the table.