Thursday, March 31, 2011

More complaints...

Lately it seems like all I do is complain but I'm stressed out, exhausted, and feeling over worked and underpaid. This week has been particularly crazy. Not only do I have my normal everyday stuff, but on top that this week I also had to do our Wednesday night service, plan my wednesday night adult ed. class, work on a sermon since I'm guest preaching this week, several meetings that I somehow got roped into holding, and at those meetings essentially learned I'm in charge of new classes/programs.

Why these things are not discussed with me I'll never know. Plus all of my ordination stuff is due this Sunday for my meeting with the committee next month, which includes writing papers about everything I believe, think, know, experience in 5 pages or less. There are 6 questions total I've answered two and I've already exceeded my page limit by a lot so editing is in my future.

Plus this weekend is an all church retreat in the mountains by a lake in cabins when it's still cold outside. And lucky me I'm in charge of planning a bunch of activities. Add onto that the constant phone calls this week and I want to scream or cry or maybe both.

I'm so tired. This is a different kind of tired then when I was a student. When I was a student at least I had solidarity. I had friends who were also in the thick of writing papers or studying for tests and it was basically my primary focus. Now I have three million things to do at any given moment plus three million people who are waiting for me or need to talk to me about something... oh and I tutor, and have twins who I love and miss.

Something needs to change and quickly I'm way to tired to function like this.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Remember when...

I accidently ended up on the highway. I sort of did it again today. I was trying to avoid a detour due to construction near my work so I turned down an unfamiliar road. Then another one until I realized I was in a turn only lane that took me only to the highway.

So I figured I would just switch lanes. Upon switching lanes I discovered that cars were coming directly towards me, so that was my first clue that quite literally my only option was to turn.

Unfortunately, the turn light was red and I was still in the wrong lane. I tried to get over the best I could but for the most part the oncoming traffic was just swerving around me. I would like to give some kudos to my fellow drivers out there. No one flipped me off or honked their horn, and trust me over in CT you get flipped off and honked at for lesser offenses than being in the complete wrong lane of traffic going the wrong way. I probably deserved some honking at the very least.

I got on the free-way eventually, did my immediate exit strategy and made it took work. It only took twice as long as it should have. This week is awesome, in the most exhausting, ridiculous sense of the word.

I want a vacation.

Monday, March 28, 2011

ENT update...

We had our follow appointment for Emmy with the ENT. The good news is her ears are looking better. The left ear still has some issues but things are moving better in the right. However, he did want to take out her tonsils and adenoids due to her continued breathing concerns, the concerns where she really can't breathe at all.

I say did, because once again Von Willebrands rears its freaking head. Before I get into that can I just say I'm so sick of doctors not reading patient history. We have to fill out form after form after form. The least they could do is read them and make a few notes.

Silly me I didn't think a doctor would recommend a surgery without you know double checking a patient's history. So the doctor wants to do the surgery. I wrongly assume that he's aware of her diagnosis of Von Willebrands because he's talking about how tonsils can bleed more than other surgeries and she'll need to stay the night in the hospital. The doctor walks us up to schedule the surgery, when finally I just ask. "You do remember about the Von Willebrands right?"

*blank look* Then the doctor flips back on his recorder (he records all his notes via recorder as we stand waiting for him) and adds an addendum. Um... never mind the surgery patient has von willebrands. OMG people this is not new information.

It's on the patient history form. I am not a freaking doctor, I do my duty and put it on the form and assume the people who have degrees in medicine will make notes of these things and plan accordingly.  So now Emmy and I will be visiting a hematologist together, and I think we'll bring Eli along too. Family bonding over our shared bleeding issues.  Hopefully I will be cleared to get my wisdom teeth removed, and we'll see what they say about Emmy and her surgery.

Marcus and I are at a place now where we can make sarcastic jokes about the fact that I'm the one who was able to passed on genes to our children. Me with my ridiculous family history of medical issues and a bleeding disorder that I passed onto both my children. (I had no idea how hereditary it was until after they were both given the diagnosis everyone with medical degrees seemed to forget that piece of information).

Whereas Marcus has only ever needed one prescription in his entire life and has no issues what so ever with anything. It's like a funny little joke.

Walking down the street...

 Walking to church with his dad. He looks so old in this picture.

Sunday, March 27, 2011


Lately Eli & Emerson have really started playing and using their imaginations and it's adorable. They've both become chefs and take their little pots and pans and spoons in their kitchen and cook. Then of course they bring it over to Marcus and I to try while saying, "mmmmm..."  They also really seem to enjoy their own cooking as they pretend to eat it all too.

Then yesterday they both did the cutest thing I've ever seen. They both kept coming out of the play room and rubbing their hands together. Marcus and I could not figure out what they were doing since neither of them had anything in their hands.

So we followed them back into the room and they both walked over to their play kitchen. Put their hands underneath the faucet and proceeded to wash their hands. The rubbing of their hands was the exact motion Marcus and I make when we wash our own hands and are lathering the soap.

It was so freaking adorable. They're so observant and brilliant (and I'm not just saying that because I'm their mom... well actually I probably am, but it's true).

Eli also grabbed a razor out of a drawer in the bathroom yesterday and tried to shave his face like his Daddy. Luckily there was a cover on the razor and I was standing right there and took it away. I think we need to find him a play razor so he can shave like daddy without hurting himself.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

A day of nothing...

which is exactly what I needed. I have the best husband ever for many reason. He's a great dad, he's funny, he's kind, he's thoughtful, but most of all he just loves me and wants to help me even when he doesn't know how. I've been really stressed out and exhausted these last few weeks for a lot of reasons.

One of the problems with being over qualified for a job is that people pile stuff on, because they know I can do it all for a low bargain price. It's a huge catch 22 for me, because ultimately I want to be doing all of the stuff they pile on me. So saying no implies that I am not appreciative of the opportunity to do the work. However, the huge huge downside is I end up doing the equivalent of two jobs with little to no compensation and everyday more gets piled on.

Add in the fact that I'm also tutor, have twins, and all of my papers and documents for ordination are due on April 3rd and I'm spent. Marcus knows this and he can't actually really take all of it all but today what he did was let me sleep.

I woke up at 10am this morning really confused because all was quiet. No babies, no Marcus just quiet. He purposefully got the babies out of bed and downstairs because he knew I needed the rest.

Then my tutoring student cancelled for today which left nothing planned. So I slept some more when the babies went down for a nap. Even though I have 3 million things I need to do it was really wonderful to have a day of nothing but sleep and rest.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Well never mind I still have all my teeth...

My procedure was cancelled while I was sitting in the chair all ready to go. My Von Willebrand turns into an issue again. Arggg...

I'm so annoyed. I rearranged my entire week, I didn't eat all day, I was ready. Then the doctor had the nerve to say to me, "And we're just finding out about this now?"

Um... well yes since you only just did patient history 3 seconds before the procedure. Perhaps it would be wise to include a question about bleeding disorders when setting up procedures, because I'm not a doctor. I find it hard to believe that this is the first time they've encountered something like this.

Then the nurse or assistant or somebody was asking me about 2 million medical questions that I didn't know the answer to. She helpfully told me, "He's a doctor you?" Referring to the guy who was going to do my procedure, umm I would hope so.

They were also not impressed that my last hematologist lives in CT. I'm so annoyed this stupid von willebrands causes issues all the freaking time.

Wisdom teeth removal....

in one hour. It's not going to hurt right? My co-workers think I'm being a little unrealistic thinking I'll be able to talk and work on Sunday. I have no idea if I am or not I guess we'll see. Sedation and 3 less teeth here I come.


On another note when I've had a bad day I have a really horrible habit of buying books. The truly sad part about this is I often forget I even did it until I check my email and get a confirmation from Amazon. My first instinct is always, "who used my card?" Whoops, at least it was only one book. It's been kind of a sucky week.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Fighting Crime...

Some background info: There's a couple that's been making the rounds around the downtown area churches claiming their daughter needs Insulin and they just need another $30 to pay for it. I work at one of these churches. We talked about this scam at our staff meeting on Tuesday and were told to be on the look out for them.

Yesterday we had a large memorial service. This couple comes in during the service tells their story and we send them away. Before they leave they steal a jacket worth $400 and a briefcase from a man who attended the service.

We have video surveillance and can see clearly that this couple stole the items.

I worked yesterday to burn the surveillance footage onto a CD.

A police report was filed.

Then today this couple comes in again today with the same story . We have a volunteer at the desk and she comes back to get me to see if it's the same couple from yesterday. (The man helpfully is wearing the exact same thing as yesterday). I subtly nod my head and the volunteer goes and calls the police. 

So now it's my job to stall this couple. I start by asking for his story. Then in order to keep them here (which is what I was told to do) I have to lie telling them that I'm trying to see what we can do to help. I give the man some water and tea I give the women some food. I keep asking questions about his "daughter" who needs the insulin. Apparently to add drama to the story this women is currently pregnant who knows if that's true or not.

The cops finally come and they were questioned and searched, and the cop requested to see the footage from yesterday since this couple was denying everything. Again the fact that the man was wearing the same exact thing was incredibly helpful.

The truly ironic part of this whole thing is I was left feeling like a horrible person for lying to them (I hate lying I've mentioned that :~) but I couldn't very well say, "Please have a seat while we wait for the police to arrive") and they clearly have no remorse. As is evident by their willingness to return to a place they already stole from with the same lie.

Good lord I did not expect this today. The woman was arrested because she has a prior warrant and had drug paraphernalia on her. I don't know if the cops ended up arrested her husband or not. 

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

A trying day...

I knew that when I picked this profession that death, dying, and funerals were part of the gig and this week we have two memorial services. I unfourtantly didn't get to  know the man we celebrated today in his prime but his service was a moving expereince and emotionally exhausting.

I think more than anything it caused me to stop and reflect on my own life and the many relationships I have. As I sat listening to a daughter give a eulogy about her dad I was grateful that I've been doing the work of forgiveness with my own. It was also a reminder of the relationships that I still need to work on and fix. I don't ever want to sit in a place of regret because I was too stubborn or foolish to find forgiveness. I don't ever want to sit and wonder if someone knew how much they meant to me, and I don't ever want to sit and wonder "what if" or "if only"...

As I listened to people talk about his life and legacy I reflected on my own life and how I want to be remembered, and it was a reminder of all the ways I can do better. More than anything it made me want to run home and hug my babies and spend time with Marcus. Life is so fleeting and finding purpose and meaning within those fleeting moments is what we are all called to do.

One of my favorite quotes is from the book The Chosen by Chaim Potok (if you haven't read this book you should). In this particular passage a father (who is also a Rabbi), is having a conversation with his son about death and the meaning of life.
So listen to what I am going to tell you. He paused for a moment, as if considering his next words carefully, then continued. “Human beings do not live forever, Reuven. We live less that the time it takes to blink any eye, if we measure out lives against eternity. So it may be asked what value is there to a human life. There is so much pain in the world. What does it mean to have to suffer so much if our lives are nothing more than a blink of an eye?” He paused again, his eyes misty now, then went on. “I learned a long time ago Reuven, that a blink of an eye in itself is nothing. But the eye that blinks, that is something. A span of life is nothing. But the man who lives that span, he is something. He can fill that tiny span with meaning, so its quality is immeasurable through its quantity may be insignificant. Do you understand what I am saying? A man must fill his life with meaning, meaning is not automatically given to life. It is hard work to fill one’s life with meaning. That I do not think you understand yet. A life filled with meaning is worthy of rest. I want to be worthy of rest when I am no longer here. Do you understand what I am saying?” (217).

I too want to be worthy of rest when I'm no longer here. The man we celebrated today he was truly worth of rest and as the Parkinson's and Dementia slowly took control of his body and mind he in many ways is freer now than he's been in years.

It was just so emotionally draining. I'm going to have a conversation with some of my more experienced colleagues about whether this part of the job gets easier. I can't imagine it will...


To top it off I had to tutor and teach my adult education class tonight. I'm spent.

I think a sign that I'm tired is that the notion of sedation to remove my wisdom teeth sounds like a lovely break.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


it's a virtue I prize above almost anything else. I value honesty, I appreciate honesty, even or perhaps especially when it's something that might be hard for me to hear.  Being lied to is among the biggest hurt someone can inflict upon me. It's insulting, and once lied to my perception of the person shifts, particularly if it's someone I'm close too. The thing about lying is that the truth always comes out eventually, (even if it's years down the road) and when it does it leaves me feeling worthless, as though someone did not value me enough to just speak truth. It also insults my intelligence when very clearly the person is lying about something, and the proof is on my side and yet they still refuse to admit it.

For the love of God all I ever want from people is truth even if the truth sucks or in my most recent case when the truth costs me $200.

I called my GI doctors billing office today because my insurance finally reprocessed my endoscopy but I hadn't received a bill for my portion. When I spoke to the woman on the phone she told me I had a zero balance and went to hang up.

My response, "Um... this is going to sound weird but how did that happen?"

She seemed perplexed by my question and just continued to say that I had a zero balance and should run with it. I told her I would appreciate some certainty and sure enough I was right I do in fact owe $200 yay honesty? haha

But seriously people just tell me the truth even if I'm not going to like it.

Monday, March 21, 2011

My To-Do List This Week...

- Work on my Day off (Monday)
- Tutor 3 extra hours on my day off
- Plan Tuesday Night Youth Group
- Staff Meeting
- Curriculum for Sunday
- Lesson Plan for Adult Class on Wednesday Night
- Plan Taize Service for Wednesday
- Tutor my regular students (6 hours total)
- Memorial Service Wednesday
- Write papers for ordination Committee
- Plan service for April 3rd (guest preaching)
- Read BioEthics A Primer for Christians by Gilbert Meilaender for potential adult ed class (I've started it so far I'm furious at the author and I've mentally started writing my rebuttal)
- Confirmation Lesson Plan
- Wisdom Teeth Removal on Friday

I'm trying not to feel too overwhelmed. I know it will all get done somehow. It's just a major bummer that I had to work Today (my day off) so I could take Friday off instead and get my wisdom teeth all. All kinds of constant fun around here.

And yes this is kind of a boring post but it helps with my anxiety to just get it all out, plus I'm so mad at the Bioethic book I'm reading I could just scream. The author is so so wrong for so many reasons, but that's an entire book (literally I now have to write a book). Maybe at some point I'll address some of my actual frustrations in a post of it's own.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Eli & Emmy at 22 months...

They are just delightful these days. I don't even have the words to fully explain their personalities but they're so curious and smart and hilarious (well most of the time they're toddlers after all).

Emmy recently has just come into her own and some of her social anxiety seems to be lessening. She boldly walks around the church, yesterday at dinner she got out of our booth and just followed my dad up to the counter, she still loves to be cuddled and constantly comes up to me and wraps her arms around my legs, or lays her head on my lap. She also gives Eli "loves" all the time especially after he gets in trouble for hitting her haha.

She loves music and wants us to sing to her all the time, and she babbles a lot. She's just precious I wish I could capture her personality and just hold onto it because she cracks me up.

Eli is also a funny and smart little guy. He still loves balls and continues to be his dads little shadow. He has a tendency to throw more tantrums than Emerson, but most the time he walks around with a big smile on his face. Right now his two newest words are "uh oh" and "bye bye" and he says them all the time.

He also thinks that everything round is a ball including stoplights. We just recently turned their car seats forward in the car and so it's a whole new world for his to explore. Every-time he sees a stoplight he points and says, "ball" and then when we drive away he waves and says "bye bye".

Eli also understands the idea of "jokes" and being naughty. He's constantly stealing Emerson's piggy and hiding it from her. He takes things and then hides them behind his back so we can't find them. He does hit more than we would like but right now our strategy is to sit him in the corner and oddly enough he does without getting up or moving. Although he always has the saddest look on his face so it's hard for me not to just give in. His other favorite thing to do is hide. Which pretty much just involves covering his eyes, and then he's pretty sure no one can see him.

He pretty much just walks around all day smiling and laughing.

They're just so much fun I love this age.

Some other things:
-They still have bottles. *sigh* Eli cannot drink out of a sippy cup and as long as Eli gets bottles Emmy refuses to settle for the sippy.
-Eli still only has 7 teeth (almost 8) so sometimes chewing takes a really long time.
-Emmy has almost all of her baby teeth and molars at this point. I think we're waiting for a few more.
-As of last Monday Eli weighed 23 lbs 2oz and Emmy weighed 22lbs 2oz. So they're still just tiny peanuts although Eli's head continues to be in the 90%. He'll grow into it someday.
-Recently Emmy seems more interested in what she's wearing. This morning I put a dress on her for church and she was so excited. She kept saying "pretty pretty" and then she went and showed her dad.
-They understand so much these days which just amazes me.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Words at 22 months...

Emerson can say: - 
bye bye
thank you
uh oh
woof woof
pretty pretty

17 total

Eli can say
bye bye
uh oh

8 total

Thursday, March 17, 2011

4 for 4 (might be TMI for some)...

It seems none of us could escape the grasps of this stomach bug. Marcus and I were both hit with it at the same time around 2am this morning. (Luckily Eli didn't have any more issues and was totally fine this morning). This is the first time that both Marcus and I have been really sick at the first time and we not functioning on an okay level at all.

We literally couldn't stand up without getting dizzy and having to throw up. I called my sister to see if she could take the babies but she had to work, and then I texted my brother. Praise the lord for my sister in law who took the babies off our hands for the day.

Originally she wanted us to drive the babies out to her house. So we tried for about an hour to get up and move and that just wasn't happening. So in the end she decided she would come pick them up, which required Marcus and I to prepare them for a day away. That was also interesting since aside from the whole not able to stand up thing, I also didn't have the strength to pick either of them up. Then as we were trying to dress them Marcus and I had to work in shifts as we made trips to the bathroom.

After the babies left we have literally done nothing at all. We can't keep anything down it's so incredibly awful. For whatever reason it seems to be hitting Marcus and I a lot harder than the babies (which is good for their sake) but bad for ours.

My work schedule totally didn't lend itself to a work day and I had to cancel/reschedule 3 meetings and didn't get some important work done that I promised someone I would have by this morning. I also had to cancel my tutoring for the day.

I needed a day off but not like this. Hopefully we'll feel much better tomorrow and I so hope that the babies go to bed easily for us tonight. My sister in law is feeing them dinner and then they're coming back home. Lord give us strength.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


Eli didn't avoid catching whatever Emerson had. The poor boy has already puked several times tonight. This is not good at all poor baby.

I have to admit I am so not equipped to handle puke. I can't really do it well at all. Thank the lord for Marcus who does all the cleaning and scrubbing while I hold the sick baby and pray they don't barf on me.

Emerson's bought was fairly short lived (about 24 hours). So hopefully Eli will feel better soon.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

We had a good run...

I think we were going on a couple of weeks with both Eli & Emerson staying healthy, but all that ended last night. At four Emerson woke up screaming hysterically which was scary and really unusual for her. Marcus went to check on her and discovered she had thrown up.

He came and brought her to me and changed her sheets and then she proceeded to throw up again, and then a third time in a span of about an hour. Poor sick baby. She did eventually fall back asleep but then this morning threw up again and she clearly just doesn't feel good.

Even sadder was listening to her cry for her "piggy" who was in the washer.

Marcus sent this text to me at work. Poor sweet girl. I really hope this is short lived and that Eli doesn't catch whatever it is. 

Monday, March 14, 2011

I'm an auntie again...

My sister had her second child today, a little boy...

Charles William
6lbs 6oz 19 in

I love this picture. I'm holding Charlie and Eli, Emerson and Hannah (Charlie's older sister) gathered around to look at him. Such a sweet little baby boy. 

I'm not going to lie it's still really hard for me to go and see people in the hospital after they've had babies. It brings back everything that my experience wasn't (and Marcus feels the same way). It's hard for us. I wonder if I'll mourn that loss forever? The feelings aren't as raw anymore but they do come back so strongly in the hospital setting. 

Enough about me and my pity party. Charlie is a precious little baby boy. 

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I made it through the week...

but just barely. Oh my lord this has been the longest week in the history of my life (I'm not being dramatic at all :~). Here's a break down of the fun..

Monday: (Suppose to be my day off). Meetings with the district superintendent

Tuesday: Work in the morning, tutoring, youth group my day went from 9am-9pm. I hate tuesdays.

Wednesday: Work in the morning, Ash Wednesday service, teach adult education class. Another day that spanned from 9am-9pm

Thursday - Marcus' birthday! Unfortunately we didn't get to do much of anything to celebrate. The babies and I made cupcakes... well I tried to include them but when I turned on our mixer they both darted from the room in fear. Then Eli wouldn't eat a cupcake at all he seemed to be a little afraid of it.

Then I had to tutor in the evening. I did buy Marcus a Kinect for his xbox and he loves it. Actually, I don't mind it either and I never have anything to do with video games. Happy 26th Marcus sorry it was a little/a lot lame. I guess that's what happens when you get old.

I also took thursday off from work since I didn't really get any days off this week.

Friday - Work which included finishing preparation for a children's retreat I hosted at my church. I went home for a few hours in the afternoon and then went back to the church at 4 for our retreat which started at 5. Then for the next 22 hours I was in charge of 13 3rd-6th grade kids.

Oh my lord they have a lot of energy and Friday night I got no sleep because sleeping in the church isn't ideal to say the least. Then saturday we got up early did some programming and then took the kids on a hike. The children all had a great time. In fact they all wanted to stay another night at the church...

Then when all of this fun ended at 3:00 I had to go and tutor.

Sunday - Work, teach confirmation class, nap (praise the lord) I skipped our Dave Ramsey Class today because I was beyond functioning. Then after the nap off to tutor.

Now here we are. The end of week with two babies in bed. Can I just say I picked the wrong week to give up caffeine. Between my work schedule, the children's retreat, and the time change I'm exhausted.

Here's hoping for a calmer week.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Fun times at the doctor...

This morning I had a physical which is required for the next step in my career path. I was pretty amused on a couple of occasions as the nurse and doctor asked me questions:

Nurse: Number of pregnancies?

Me: one

Nurse: Number of births

Me: two

She did a huge double take and looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "Okay then two pregnancies?"

Me: Nope just the one I had twins. (Then she laughed and seemed really relieved that I wasn't in fact an idiot).

Then later the doctor asked: What do you use for birth control?

Me: Infertility

Awkward confused silence follows. I explain our diagnosis, to which she responds, "so uh how did your children come to be?" I explained some more and all she could muster was a thumbs up and a "good for you."

Marcus couldn't believe I actually said infertility as our means of birth control haha but it's the truth.

I was pretty amused though. Sometimes it's the little things.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Humbling and hard...

One of the most difficult and humbling aspects of my job is being with them through and in difficult times. Today was a stark reminder of that. I'm part of a writing group that meets at my church and today an older retired minister was there sharing some of his writing, including pieces he wrote about his experiences in WWII.

I also found out today he suffers from Parkinson Disease. Today as he was sharing a piece of his writing he started shaking uncontrollably (an effect of the Parkinson) and he stopped reading and started to cry from frustration, anger, sadness and I'm sure a multitude of reasons.

I ended up reading his second piece aloud for him and it was a stark reminder that in this profession I am privy to some of the rawest of human emotions. People open up and share with me their fears and struggles and it's sometimes really hard to know the appropriate way to respond. I'm still learning.

A good reminder on this Ash Wednesday the start of the lenten journey.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

A smattering of things...

* Eli has his first black eye. He fell and hit his eye on the corner of a basket.

* I need braces which should help fix some of the TMJ issues and close the spaces in my teeth. I've wanted the spaces in my teeth closed my entire life but I'm not sure we can afford braces. So I don't know what to do.

* I also need my wisdom teeth out. My dentist today gave me the choice of a local anesthetic or sedation. I had no idea what to chose but in my mind sedation seems like a better choice. Anyone with experience have any thoughts?

* I hate tuesdays. On tuesdays I don't get to see Eli & Emerson at all except for in the morning before work. It makes me sad.

* I'm giving up soda for Lent. I've failed at this all other attempts because frankly I really like my one Dr. Pepper a day. But I'm really going to try and be dedicated.

* The adult class I'm teaching starts tomorrow and goes for the next 6 weeks. I'm still annoyed that I was told I was teaching this class rather than asked.

* I need a real day off. Yesterday (my day off) I had work related meetings. This weekend I'm hosting a children's retreat, which equals lots of kids and no sleep and working on my other day off.

* My head hurts.

* My cousin had a baby girl today. I'm annoyed because someone on her facebook page wrote, "You're already a wonderful mom because you carried your baby for 40 weeks." (Today was her due date). I'm being way over sensitive but just because someone can't or doesn't carry their baby(ies) full term doesn't mean they're not a good mom. Over sensitive I know...

*Today is the 100th anniversary of International Women's Day. Tonight we played battle of the sexes at youth group which I think is kind of the opposite sentiment since it totally genders knowledge which drives me nuts.

* Eli & Emerson are 22 months today, 2 more months and I'll have 2, 2 year olds (this sentence contains a lot of 2s).

The End

Friday, March 4, 2011

Things that happened yesterday...

I'm so clever at titling my posts :~) Anyways yesterday was kind of a weird/funny day.

Weird event #1 - I tried a new therapist today. She was referred to me by my doctor and so I thought I would give it ago, and I have to say I felt like I was in a sitcom or on candid camera or something. The woman I met with is um... eccentric to say the least. Her office has sort of a hippy vibe going on (as does she actually) and we started talking, since that's what you do at counseling. So, I'm filling her in on my background and history and then we get to a really weird place where she wants me to say something positive about myself... so I do.

Then she has be breathe that positivity in deeply and exhale out the negativity. Okay... breathing is important so I go with it.

But then she turns in her chair, leans in close and starts talking to me, about myself, about how I am good enough and I do the best I can etc. etc. (mind you we've known each other for about 30 mins.) but she so intent and leaning so close and she's wanting me to breath and I reach a point where it's taking all of my energy not to burst out laughing. It was so incredibly bizarre. I haven't decided yet if I'm going to try again.

Funny event #2 -- Eli has needed a haircut for quite sometime so yesterday after work we decided we should go have someone cut his hair. We called and make an appointment and get a hair dresser who looks totally not at ease with her job, and even less at ease when she see's that Eli is just a toddler. She starts trying to cut his hair but of course he's looking every which way, and then Eli started to cry. Which triggered something in our hair stylist because she too looked like she was going to cry. I tried to reassure her that he was fine he just wanted his dad, but she was so stressed out.

She looked like she was going to pass out or cry or both. So she went and got another lady to help her. In the end we paid $20 for one of the most awful looking hair cuts. It was a bad, choppy, bowl cut. Marcus and I left laughing. That poor girl.

Event #3 -- At the mall (where we had Eli's hair cut). I saw some tall dude that I sort of recognized staring at Eli & Emerson. Since I was trying to figure out how I knew him I was staring at him, and Marcus knew who it was so Marcus was also staring. It was a giant awkward staring contest.

As soon as we were out of sight Marcus told me that it was the quarterback for the local universities team, and wouldn't you know it his picture is on the ESPN website today. No wonder I felt like I knew him. He has a good chance of being drafted so I told Marcus we should have been even more awkard and asked him to take a picture with the babies. He is after all an almost, kind of, really tall celebrity. He may be even more famous one day haha.

I think Marcus was pretty excited by the encounter.


Oh and Marcus fixed Eli's hair at home today. I guess we just should have started with Marcus but silly us thought a "professional" would do a better job.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Did I mention...

that I told my family about our infertility and subsequently the birth origin of Eli & Emerson? I'm pretty sure I didn't but we did and it was kind of weird.

To back track a bit what got me thinking about this was this article (which is almost a month old now oops) on The Huffington Post called "Infertility: The Disease We Need to Start Talking About" and I have to admit that I haven't been overly open about our own struggles with infertility, but I've been plenty angry at the perception, portrayal and lack of insurance coverage for those struggling with infertility. Which pretty much makes me a hypocrite.

However, I have my reasons, which are essentially just excuses, but nonetheless some of them are valid (I think).

So here's my list of why I haven't been as open about our infertility as I would like to be (because I really would like to be more vocal).

1.) When we were first going through our infertility testing and trying to figure out what was wrong, I didn't share because I didn't want anyone to judge our decision making. I was in my first year of grad. school when we started the testing, Marcus was also a full time student, and worked at Sears Auto Shop. To much of the outside world the decision to have a child in these circumstances was stupid, not to mention paying for the cost of infertility treatment in these circumstances.

Never mind that Marcus and I were adults, we had incredible insurance (which we don't now) and as a student my schedule was pretty flexible.  I frankly didn't want anyones opinion on the matter.

2.) Our diagnosis sucked. Azoospermia completely altered our expectations of how we would have a family. We had two options: Adoption or use a donor.

3.) Because we used a donor our story of infertility isn't just mine and Marcus'. It's Eli & Emerson's too. I don't get the luxury of deciding how and when they share this story and I think that's the biggest reason for my silence. I don't want anyone to treat any of them differently because of this fact.

So that said we hadn't shared with my siblings the origin of Eli & Emerson and Marcus and I decided that since we were going to be open with the babies and Marcus' family knew, that we needed to share.
So we did on Christmas day and everyone was silent, and then they sort of just ignored it all together almost as though it was never spoken aloud.

So we shared, we got no response, and it was kind of weird.

But I so agree with this article and despite not sharing my own personal story I have tried to incorporate more education and understanding in my own field. I've preached sermons on infertility, in a class I planned an entire worship service centered around those struggling with infertility, I spoke with a group at my current job educating the on reproductive loss of all kinds, and how to provide care. On mother's day I recognize that it is a painful day and do something in my church to remember and honor those women who so desperately want to be mothers and aren't yet.

I am trying. Our infertility impacted me so deeply and it still does. It impacts our finances, it impacts our family planning, it impacts my faith, and I was left wholly changed from the experience and the pain that goes along with it. I really am trying to share and be an advocate while at the same time honoring the right to privacy of Eli & Emerson.

Of course with this blog post goes a lot of that privacy hmm....

We need an Eli translator...

Eli has been saying something for several days now and neither Marcus or I can figure out what it is.

He says, "uh oh du-oh" we know the uh oh part obviously but the du-oh part is killing us. It's very intentional and it sounds the same every time but we don't know what it means. If I say it to him he looks as though he totally understands my meaning, but it's Eli language.

I hope one day we can unravel this mystery.


On a different note Marcus just sent me a text of this picture with the caption, "Playing in the crib." Apparently they both wanted in for some reason.

When I asked Marcus what they were doing in the crib

he wrote, "Ummm... Well Emmy is spinning around and Eli is jumping. Then Emmy started jumping and now they're running back and forth. Then Eli buried his face in the mattress like I can't see him (this is how Eli hides he just covers his eyes) and Emmy is standing up and then plopping on her butt."

Alright then haha who knew the crib could be so much fun.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Books I read in February...

I feel like February was a slow reading month for me. Maybe because it's a shorter month or I just didn't have as much time or something, but none the less here's what I read this past month.

1.) Delirium by Lauren Oliver -- I'm a sucker for Dystopia books always have been ever since I read The Giver in junior high school. Delirium did not disappoint I loved it.

2.) Silver Bourne by Patricia Briggs -- These continue to be a series I really love and discovered in a totally unexpected way. During a reading challenge for my on-line book club we had to have someone with totally opposite tastes in books pick something for us to read. The person choosing for me picked the Mercedes Thompson series I was honestly dreading the book. It looked and sounded like something so outside of my norm (which was the point) and I fell in love.

3.) Trapped by Michael Northrop -- This book was just okay for me. I read it during a snow storm which helped add a little something to the book, but I was left wanting more at the end.

4.) This Child Will be Great: Memoir of  Remarkable Life by Africa's First Woman President by Ellen Johnson Sirleaf -- The reason behind reading this book actually has kind of a long story (But I'll try to make it short). Last year at my graduation was yale President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf was given a honorary doctorate, and I had no idea who she was. Aghast at myself for not knowing about this incredibly woman I set about correcting that wrong. This book was amazing. An incredibly strong woman.
President Ellen Johnson Sirleaf at my graduation May 2010
(How it was possibly I didn't know about her until that moment I don't know). 

5.) Room by Emma Donoghue -- This was the first and only book I've ever read on a Kindle and I wasn't impressed with the kindle experience but I loved this book. Incredible, haunting, amazingly written from the perspective of a 5 year old. 

6.) Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson -- This book did a good job at showing how an event can shake and affect the whole being of a person. (And how awful high school can be). 

7.) Spoken from the Heart by Laura Bush -- Although I was not a fan of her husbands politics I have always admired Laura Bush and I really enjoyed her book and hearing her perspective on all that happened during her 8 years in the white house. I also enjoyed learning about her early years before her marriage to President Bush. 

8.) Juliet by Anne Fortier -- Amazing book. I loved the intersection of the past history with the present. Some of it was a little to unbelievable (I know it's a work of fiction) but I still loved it.

9.) Skipping A Beat by Sarah Pekkanen -- Loved this book. It went a totally different direction than I was expecting.

10.) Demonglass by Rachel Hawkins - A quick fun read. I'm already looking forward to the next book.

Total Pages read this month - 3,335
Total Money Save by using the library or borrowing books - $76.70 (using Amazon prices)
New books bought - 4 (oops my book buying ban failed this month)

Here's a link to last months list