Sunday, November 22, 2009

I hit a wall and can hardly function...

Friday, I woke up immense pain, aching all over, and I had a massive headache. I suffered through my class in the morning and through a really unpleasant meeting (which is another post) and then came home and crawled into bed. Thank goodness for Marcus who was home, and took care of the babies while I laid in bed all day long in pain. I'm not sick, I don't have a fever, I think it's a combination of things.

I've been over doing it. Taking 5 classes, an internship, plus the babies, and the incredible aching and pain which I've attributed to a particurlary bad fibromyalgia flair up, and it's all finally caught up with me and I'm just exhausted and can't function. My body hurts so much I can barely move, let along pick up the babies, I have way to much work to do before I leave the country, and the thought of leaving makes me want to cry for a variety of reasons.

I'm worried about Marcus and the babies. I know Marcus can handle the babies but 10 days without someone else is a lot, I don't know if I could do it. The thought of the incredibly long plane ride sounds awful (mostly because I'm currently in so much pain that sitting for that amount of time does not sound pleasant). Plus, when I come back from my trip I have a ton more things that have to be attended too, and according to one of my professors who is from Australia I'm going to be loopy when I return.

I have no energy for anything and I just need a break. I know I took on too much this semester. I think part of me felt like I had to prove that I could do it. That I could have twins and still manage the rest of my life, and so far I have, but it hasn't been easy. There are nights when the babies are finally in bed that I just break down because I have hours of homework in front of me and I'm so tired.

It doesn't help that I had a particularly awful conversation with someone today who essentially said I had no place to complain about things (school, twins, intership, pain etc) because it's all self inflicted and I chose it for myself, (yup because it was my choice to have twins, and it's my choice to have chronic pain most days... awesome) so essentially I was told to suck it up and deal with it. Which just made me cry some more.

I know this too will pass. The end of semesters are always hard, I've just never done the end of the semester + twins before and that's a whole different ball game. Thank goodness for Marcus. If I could I would seriously just make Marcus the subject of every single thankful post. I could not do any of this without him.


Queenie. . . said...

It sounds dreadful, but you'll get through it. I was there (well perhaps not quite as bad, as I wasn't in pain and the baby's not here yet) 2 weeks ago-getting 2 hours of sleep a night so I could get all the work done, crying to my husband that I shouldn't have tried to do so much while 8 months pregnant. But you know what? I made it through, and everything was a big success. And it will be for you, too. Somehow, you'll get it done. And boo to the rotten person who couldn't be a little compassionate. You should be celebrated for moving boldly ahead with your very full life, not told to suck it up! As for the trip, I'll bet it will be amazing, and worth every sacrifice. Your kids are so lucky to have a smart, bold mama like you, and they will be so proud of you when they hear these stories some day!

Becks said...

Wow, fibromyalgia on top of that ALL that?? I am completely impressed that you have been able to pull off everything you have been able to pull off so far!

I have REALLY severe fibromyalgia - before I found my doctor, Dr. Fabulous, it was usual for me to incapacitated by the pain, unable to leave my bed, for at least a week every semester. I have one baby and no school, and I still struggle.

I know it's none of my business, but there are treatment options that are really helpful: My GP has fibromyalgia too, and she has given me some really effective remedies.