I'm getting a complex...

I've been debating even blogging about this because honestly it makes me feel like a failure as a mother, but I think I've finally reached a point where I'm upset enough about it and I need an outlet.

When Eli and Emerson wake up in the middle of the night. They don't want me. In fact if they see me they flip out and get mad. If I try to pick them up they push me away. It's really awful.

What they do instead is yell, "Where daddy go, where daddy go."

Emerson did it again tonight. I was still awake working (my work schedule is off a bit). She crawled into the living room, saw me, and immediately backed up.

I went to pick her up and she got hysterical screaming for Marcus and shoving me away.

It sucks, it hurts my feelings, and I'm pretty sure it's my own fault.

Something I haven't really talked much about on my blog is the Postpartum depression and anxiety I dealt with after they were born. It was awful and it got to the point where I wasn't able to deal with them for the night time feedings.

I just couldn't do it. When they woke up at night as babies, hearing them cry immediately sent me into a panic attack, and I just couldn't do it. It's awful and embarrassing to admit, and the guilt... Kids are suppose to want their moms and when they were babies I couldn't attend to them at night like I was suppose to, and now that I can, now that I'm in a healthy place, they don't want me.

And it upsets me more than I've been wanting to admit.