I'm getting a complex...

I've been debating even blogging about this because honestly it makes me feel like a failure as a mother, but I think I've finally reached a point where I'm upset enough about it and I need an outlet.

When Eli and Emerson wake up in the middle of the night. They don't want me. In fact if they see me they flip out and get mad. If I try to pick them up they push me away. It's really awful.

What they do instead is yell, "Where daddy go, where daddy go."

Emerson did it again tonight. I was still awake working (my work schedule is off a bit). She crawled into the living room, saw me, and immediately backed up.

I went to pick her up and she got hysterical screaming for Marcus and shoving me away.

It sucks, it hurts my feelings, and I'm pretty sure it's my own fault.

Something I haven't really talked much about on my blog is the Postpartum depression and anxiety I dealt with after they were born. It was awful and it got to the point where I wasn't able to deal with them for the night time feedings.

I just couldn't do it. When they woke up at night as babies, hearing them cry immediately sent me into a panic attack, and I just couldn't do it. It's awful and embarrassing to admit, and the guilt... Kids are suppose to want their moms and when they were babies I couldn't attend to them at night like I was suppose to, and now that I can, now that I'm in a healthy place, they don't want me.

And it upsets me more than I've been wanting to admit.  

Easter Bunny fail...

Our picture with the Easter bunny didn't go any better than our picture with Santa. It was probably worse.

Eli loved the Easter bunny. He ran up and sat right down. The problem is that he wouldn't look at the camera. He was looking any where but, and then add a screaming Emerson to the equation, and it was a nightmare.

This is the best we could get. Ahhh, the memories.

The funny part is Emerson was so excited to see the Easter bunny before hand. She had some chap-stick and she kept saying, "I show bunny my lips." (you can see her chap-stick clutched tightly in her hand in the picture).

For the love of books...

I've loved reading my entire life. I can't remember a time when I didn't read and I didn't have a book with me at all times. Attending college and grad. school for 7 years was difficult for me because it left virtually no time for pleasure reading and I've spent the last two years devouring as many books as I can, to compensate for those long years of required reading.

I wish I could fully explain my love of books but it's hard to even describe.

When I'm having a hard day a book will always make me feel better. When I was pregnant with Eli and Emerson Marcus went to a book signing at my grad. school for me to get me a signed copy of a book I had been wanting to read. It literally brightened my life at that moment during the long days of hospital bed rest.

When I was in the 5th grade and I was diagnosed with a degenerative bone disease in both ankles, I can clearly remember sitting in the doctors office holding my Baby Sitter's Club book and reading. As the doctor began to explain the diagnosis to me, and the fact that I would need to have both of my legs in casts and be in a wheel chair, the only thing I could think to do in that moment was read. I picked my book back up and continued reading as tears rolled down my face. It was a coping mechanism, an escape. (I think my mom thought I was being rude to start reading as the doctor was talking, but I just didn't know what else to do).

Having said all that it is my great hope that both Eli and Emerson will be readers. I want them to love reading, I want them to love books, and to find joy and excitement from all they offer.

These days we make a weekly trip to the library and they both eagerly pick out new books to take home, and to my joy they insist on reading several books each night before bed.

I'm especially excited because lately Eli has been showing an increased interest books. Before it was mostly Emerson who was willing to read books and listen to stories. That's shifted and now Eli sits attentively listening to the story, asking questions about the pictures in the book, and always wanting, "another book, please." (He's very polite these days with his use of please).

The other day I was sitting on the couch wrapped in a blanket reading. When Eli and Emerson came into the room and saw me they both immediately ran into their room to gather some books and together the 3 of us read.

I hope this is something that will last forever. I'm especially excited for the days when they're a little bit older and we can start reading together some of my favorite chapter books from Childhood.

The three of us reading together.

Me and Eli (he wanted to sit right next to me)

Emmy opted for the "other couch" 

On a somewhat different note, the other night Marcus was reading Eli and Emmy their bedtime story. It was the book Emerson selected from the library and it was not really a good book for their age (I let them pick out whatever book they want from the children's section).

It was called "The Greedy Apostrophe" or something like that. As Marcus glanced through it he quickly realized he would have to "create" a new story using the pictures as a guide so they could understand.

As I walked out of the room I heard him say, "The Greedy Apostrophe" by Charles Dickens. My children are going to be really confused about the classics if he keeps that up. Unless this happens to be one of Dickens lesser know works haha. Marcus cracks me up. 

Emmy is caught up in March Madness...

This last week Emerson has been loving basketball.

She's adorable. She calls it, "Playing hoops" and she works hard to dribble each time before she shoots.

She also has to stop occasionally to wash the ball off when it gets too dirty for her liking. She can be heard yelling, "Come back here ball, stop ball" when it rolls away from her.

And when she's done with a workout she dramatically enters the house and says, "I berry thirsty"

Eli didn't want to play he wanted to take pictures and video and Emmy kept saying, "Scoot over bubba scoot over." 

Small town living...

One of the things I can't quite get used to about living in a small town is that nothing you do is anonymous. Yesterday, when we were at the park we saw several people from our church. We even spent about 30 minutes talking to one of them.

Then again today Marcus and I decided to take Eli and Emmy on a walk around town. We once again ran into 2 members of our church and stopped to talk to one again for about 30 minutes. It the bigger cities where we've lived this wouldn't be an issue.

But not here. I can't decide what I think about that. On the one hand I like that I can walk everywhere we need to go (there's literally nothing in town that requires driving a car), on the other hand sometimes it's nice just to be a little bit anonymous.

It was another beautiful spring day here though, and another good day for Eli and Emerson I think the ability to be outside just makes them happier kids.

It's Spring!!

And it felt like it here today.

We had an early morning, taking Marcus to work at 7:15, coming back home for a few hours, going to the library, and then back into town for book club and a play date (For Eli and Emmy). The kids play the moms talk books I love it.

Eli and Emmy have been asking to go to the "Wee" (wee = the park in our house) for days. Every time we go to the library we pass the wee and they always look sadly and say, "Not today."

But finally today was the day. I'm not sure it's possible for my children to love the wee more than they do.

They could spend all day there and they were so cute and full of energy.

At one point Marcus and I were jumping up and down on a bridge and Emmy was trying to get on and she finally looked at us and said, "Whoa guys"

Then they were both working really hard at climbing up the slide the wrong way (we were the only ones at the park, plus it's a rite of passage). They struggled and struggled knocked each other down and finally the both conquered the slide and made it to the top.

They both threw their hands up in victory, jumped up and down, and yelled, "I did it, I did it."

One of the most adorable things I've even seen in my entire life.

Then it was time to go home. They both sadly left the wee, pulling their wagon together (and steering towards every puddle they could find).

We had BBQ and ate outside. It was a good day and they were so cute today. 

(Random side note: Marcus dressed Emerson in a swim suit cover-up he thought it was just another dress haha). 

What we've been up too...

Not a whole lot.

~Eli and Emerson both took turns turning up the microphone in the church on sunday. Resulting in a horrific noise. It was not very awesome.

~Marcus and I have both been working out consistently. I've had to take a break from running due to some knee and feet issues, but in place I've been walking, doing Zumba, and the shred. Marcus has lost 10 lbs since we started lucky guy. I want to lose 10 lbs then I would be good to go.

~Eli and Emmy only want to want Curious George. The just call him Monkey and "lello hat man" so that's what we watch a lot.

~ The both put is at the end of their sentences. For example, "Where my glasses is." "Where my blanket is." I find it interesting that their speech patterns are pretty much always the same. Perhaps they pick them up from each other.

~I think they're bored. I'm trying to be better about engaging in different activities with them each day. Recently Emerson has been really into the basketball hoop. She tries to dribble the ball then says, "I shoot some hoops". Maybe it's March Madness wearing off on her.

~Marcus still hates his job, is still always looking for something better, and has applied for a physical therapy program in the fall. We are both praying he gets in. Job prospects with this additional degree would be way more favorable.

~Eli asks to go to bed each night. He gets so tired and since they don't nap, around 7 each night he says, "lay down." And he's usually asleep within minutes of going to bed. Emerson on the other hand seems to require no sleep at all ever. It's interesting trying to balance these different needs.

~ On St. Patrick's Day I told Eli and Emmy to pinch Marcus because he wasn't wearing green. Emerson walked up to him and punched him in the stomach. Haha oops apparently punch and pinch sound alike to Emerson.

~ I've been trying to work some spanish into the conversation with Eli and Emmy. Today I kept asking them to go get their zapatos. At one point Eli asked, "Where my zapatos is mama" as he was looking for his shoes so he could go outside. I was happy to hear him use the word correctly. I have no idea how to actually try and teach them some spanish though.

We are surrounded by orchards. They've been blooming with flowers it's beautiful. I saw this on a run, it was raining and there was a huge rainbow framing the orchard. I ran home as quick as I could for the camera, but missed the rainbow. 

I think that's about it. The exciting life we lead.

I'm in a rut...

I'm tired of our day to day existence. I'm ready for something new.

I'm excited for May and June and some of the plans we have. A wedding in May where I'll get to spend time with my grad. school friends. Plus as an added bonus it's in the same city where Marcus' brother lives so we get to see family too.

Then in June we're going to Disneyland with a bunch of family.

I'm just feeling sort of antsy to go somewhere and do something. There are days when I don't leave the block where we live in our town of 1700. Friday Eli and Emerson and I had a big outing in town. We went to the library, paid our water bill, went to the post office, and bought suckers at the store. We literally hit up every establishment in town (except the pizza place).

I think I'm going stir crazy. The weather is getting nicer again and I just want to go and do things. Preferably free things.

As a random aside on Friday after we did all of our outings, Eli and Emmy came with me to my weekly Bible Study. They were perfect angels. The best behaved they've ever been, which was a huge relief after our experience with Eli at the mall on Thursday.

They had the Easter bunny area set up but the bunny was no present. I think Eli expects it to be an actual bunny and not an oversized fake one, but he was bound and determined to see the bunny.

To the point that he kept throwing himself on the ground and yelling, "I see bunny."

We were working quickly to leave the premises but if we touched him or picked him up he yelled "Ow" and "help". It was awesome... we were those people. I'm not liking this almost three year old stage where they think they can do whatever they want and when they don't get their way have a major public meltdown.

Fortunately, Emerson was a bit shocked by her brother's behavior and acted just fine. She kept saying, "Bubba naughty."

Fun times. I makes me never want to take them in public. It's so embarrassing.

Music...

On Wednesday we had a gathering of the orders, which is just  a fancy way to say that all the clergy in my area were required to come together.

I was pleasantly surprised that the entire day consisted of singing, singing songs that were familiar to me from my divinity school days. Songs led by a musician who teaches at my divinity school. It was a homecoming of sorts, bringing me back to grad school.

In all of worship I think that the music is my favorite part. I love how music has powers that the spoken word alone does not. A power to transfer us to different times and places in our lives.

In high school one of the better assignments I ever had was to create a soundtrack of our life. Of course at that point not too much had happened but it was a fun exercise to pull out songs that have special meaning to our lives, and that say the things we often can't.

At this gathering I heard a new song and I loved the lyrics. A reminder of the work I'm called to do. 

It might be an interesting exercise to compile a soundtrack of my life now. Since over a decade has passed since the original assignment. (Maybe I'll work on that at some point). 

Do you all have songs that have special meaning in your own life. Music is powerful. 

God Has Work For Us To Do 

(words by Carl Daw, music by M. Miller) 

Till all the jails are empty and all the bellies filled; 

Till no one hurts or steals or lies, and no more blood is spilled; 

God has work for us to do, God has work for us to do 

Believe in the promise, “I make all things new” 

God has work for us, work for us to do. 

Till age and race and gender no longer separate; 

Till pulpit, press, and politics are free of greed and hate: 

In tenement and mansion, in factory, farm, and mill 

In board room and in billiard hall, in wards where time stands still, 

In classroom, church, and office, in shops or on the street; 

In every place where people thrive or starve or hide or meet: 

By sitting at a bedside to hold pale, trembling hands, 

By speaking for the powerless against unjust demands, 

By praying through our doing and singing through fear, 

By trusting that the seed we sow will bring God's harvest near. 

I'm still sensitive to Mother's Day...

Church's like to do things on mother's day, and on one hand I totally get that. But the other part of me that knows the hurt and pain of wanting to be a mother and not being able to is still very present.

I was talking with my church member's recently about their traditions and they mentioned they always do something on both mother's and father's day.

Then they told me my job as the pastor was to come up with some "games" for which mother's would be rewarded. They gave examples like, "Who has been a mother the longest, mother with the most children, etc. etc."

The entire time they were talking I was cringing on the inside. I can't do that. I really just can't do that. I can not be part of a church that could potentially inflict harm on a women who is currently facing infertility or pregnancy loss, or a woman who is the past faced infertility and due to any number or reasons remains childless.

At my last church a much older woman once said to me, "I'm one of the women who just couldn't have kids. It's one of the big "why" questions I have about the world." I so get that. At my last church it was a day to honor women, and I spoke with the senior pastor about being the intentionality of remembering women for whom this day was painful for whatever reason. Not just being childless but perhaps because their own mother was gone.

I had flowers on the altar in their honor and I lifted up in prayer all those for whom was a painful reminder of loss of what is not yet, or what may never be.

This topic randomly came to my mind because I got a catalogue in the mail today which has a ton of "Stuff" that churches can give to mother's on mother's day and so many of the printings made me cringe.

"Christian moms make a difference"

"The love of a mother is like no other"

"God's love comes through a mother's touch"

"A mother's love is a gift from God"

And on and on and on. 

I guess I will need to continue to prayfully consider how I will honor the traditions of my new church, while also being sensitive to my own journey and the journey of others. (I simply cannot make games up and offer rewards. I just don't think I can do that.) 

I would love to hear other people's thoughts on the subject if you're so inclined. 

I have some great ideas...

for posts. Including why I don't believe everything happens for a reason.

But I've been up since 4am and I don't have the energy.

So there's my profound thought for the day, I don't think everything happens for a reason.

The end

Perhaps when I get some sleep I can use my brain power to discuss this a little more in depth. In the meantime thoughts haha.

Potty Training Part I...

For some reason I decided today would be the day we started potty training.

Eli did really well at first. He happily picked out some underpants (his sister's but whatever works). He played, told me he had to go potty, went and all was going well.

Then came dinner and I could sort of tell he needed to go to the bathroom but he kept saying no, and he just wanted to eat. So he had an accident, which I think freaked him out because after that he just insisted on a diaper.

Emerson on the other hand didn't go on the potty at all. She had two accidents, but didn't want a diaper.

Every time I reminded her to tell me when she needed to go to the bathroom she just said, "I can't mama"

Well okay then. I guess we'll see how it goes.

Tomorrow I think we'll add in some incentives. I think a chart that they can put a sticker on each time they go the bathroom.

I hope this works out okay. It's exhausting to clean up the messes luckily today none of the accidents happened on the carpet or the couches.

We're all very tired...

Eli and Emmy have had a great time with their grandparents and cousins but they're also so incredibly tired and don't really know what to do with themselves.

Yesterday, was my nephew's first birthday party. There were tons of kids there 3 and under. It was loud, lots of people and I think they were both exhausted and over-stimulated. Emmy had a break down and was just hysterical.

My mom ended up taking both of my kids to her house for the night so they could get some quiet time and they both slept for a, much needed, 12 hours.

Their cousin from AZ is here visiting (she's their age) and they're on very different schedules. The cousin doesn't have to go to bed until 11 so Eli and Emmy thought they should stay up too even though they can't handle that.

We're all so exhausted but it's been a good trip. Oddly enough I didn't take a single picture. I may need to steal some from my in-laws at some point.

Today Marcus is 27...

This is the 10th birthday we've celebrated with each other, the first when we were juniors in high school and he turned 17.

I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful husband, father, and friend in Marcus, and so because I'm feeling kind of mushy here are 27 things I love about him.

I love...

1. That he wears holes in the knees of his pants because he crawls around and plays with the kids so much.

2. That he comes to church each Sunday, and sits in the front pew, and wrestles with the children and runs the powerpoint.

3. How much he loves the Dallas Cowboys. (Even though I hate how cranky he is when they lose)

4. How excited he gets over new socks.

5. That he's been supportive of me every step of the way for the last 10 years whether it was my desire to study abroad, or wanting to move across the country to CT for grad school.

6. His smile.

7. How much he loves his family.

8. That he indulges my hobbies and goes to book sales and craft stores with me.

9. That he recite entire Adam Sandler movies.

10. The smile on his face when he held our babies for the first time. An image forever burned into my memory. Along with this, the days after they were born and still in the NICU, when he would come home from work, throw open the door and say with a big smile, "let's go see our babies."

11. That he cleans and does laundry.

12. How kind he is to everyone, and will help a stranger in need because, "He would want someone to help me."

13. How hard he worked to graduate from college.

14. His sense of humor. He may be shy but he's hilarious and I wish more people got to see it.

15. Watching him with his brothers. They have such a fun relationship.

16. That he sings in the shower everyday and doesn't even know he's doing it.

17. That he says sweet things to me. like when we had just returned from our trip to london and Paris and he said, "I love making memories with you."

18. How much he loves our babies from the very moment he found out I was pregnant. Some of my very favorite memories are the times when Marcus thought I was asleep and he had his hand on my pregnant belly talking with our kids.

19. How much he loves to parallel park. I don't get it but I think it's hilarious that he enjoys it so much.

20. That he was willing to attend youth events with me and church youth group, and become a mentor and friend to my junior high and high school youth.

21. How much he loved his dog Monroe.

22. That he never ever treats me with anything less than love and respect.

23. He loves Gilmore Girls (haha sorry Marcus but it's adorable).

24. The first night Eli was home from the hospital, and he slept on the floor of the nursery.

25. His smile on our wedding day. Another image forever seared into my memory.

26. When he tries to do Zumba.

27. Finally, I love pretty much everything about him. I'm so blessed to have him forever.

Away...

We've been visiting our hometown for the past few days. Eli and Emmy are having lots of fun with their cousins but their schedule is so off. They've been going to bed really late and getting up super early. It makes for some over tired cranky kids.

We've been super busy too. While it's nice that we're from the same hometown it makes visiting difficult since there's so much family we need to see. We bounce from house to house, trying to see our parents, siblings, aunts etc.

Makes me tired. I also seem to caught Eli and Emmy's cold so I'm not feeling very well.

Socks...

The other day Eli found one of my socks and put both is feet in in. Then he put socks on his hands and tried to walk. He would stand and then topple over and then laugh.

Then Emerson got some socks and Eli ran up to me and said, "picture".

I was more than happy to oblige.

Silly kids and their socks. 

Then Emmy decided to try and give Eli a kiss and of course he ran away...

But she got him. 

Silly  kids. We're still working on getting over being sick around here. Eli is mostly better but Emerson still has a runny nose and a cough. We're working on teaching her to cough into her arm.

We've been thinking about potty training around here. I actually think Eli could do it. When ever he doesn't have a diaper on he tells us when he has to go to the bathroom and then goes. It's kind of astounding actually.

I suppose we should work with this and just potty train him already, it just seems like so much work.  I'm a lazy mom I guess. 

"I climbing..."

We survived last night. A lot of crying from Eli and Emmy last night. They both felt horrible. They stayed home from church and spent most of the day on the couch. My sermon was finished, somehow everything always gets done somehow.

By the end of the day they both seemed to be feeling a little bit better, and their Sunday school teacher brought them soup.

On thursday, prior to all this sickness, Emerson randomly decided that she should climb one of the trees in our backyard.

She wrapped both hands around the tree, and tried to wrap both legs. Perhaps she's been watching too much Curious George. She was so determined. 

Finally, I just lifted her up and put her in the tree. She was so excited! She loved hanging out in the tree. 

Then Eli decided he wanted to try... He wasn't so amused by the whole, sitting in a tree thing. 

Then today, Emerson looked at a telephone pole and said, "What's that"

I told her and then she said, "Mama I climb uppa der"

Um... no. Funny girl we will not be climbing telephone poles. 

Do you ever just want to cry from exhaustion...

that's where I'm at right now.

I'm so tired and still have so much work I need to do for tomorrow.

Eli and Emerson are sick and today has been awful.

Marcus was at work. I didn't sleep well last night, two kids who don't feel good and as a result everything results in a meltdown and whining.

My church had a dinner tonight and now here I am at 9:03pm with more work to do. Emerson was awake crying a couple of minutes ago. When she gets sick she doesn't handle it very well. She has always required about a 1000 times more attention than Eli when he's sick.

It's exhausting. I can't wait until tomorrow around noon. Then we can all hopefully take a nap. Until then I think I'll cry.

A sick boy & and a funny girl...

Eli is sick. He has an awful cough, congestion and a fever. Since he was a baby the sure fire clue that he doesn't feel well is that he stays in the same spot and just sort of lays there. He doesn't cry, or whine, he just lays and does nothing. Which is unusual for him.

At bible study today he did just that. Sat on the blanket and didn't move. Usually he explores the house of the woman who hosts but not today.

At one point Emerson was on my lap (mimicking my every move as I taught the class, hilarious by the way), Eli walked over to a woman from my church with his blanket and stuffed puppy. He didn't say anything, he just stood next to her, this 83 year old woman put him in her lap and he just laid there. And the woman was as happy as could be to hold my sweet sick boy who just needed someone to pick him up. Emerson always seems to dominate me and I always feel awful that because she's always been so much more high maintenance he doesn't get held or carried.

I know there's probably no way to prevent Emerson from getting it but one can hope.

::

Emerson continues to crack me up with her personality and the things she says.

As I've mentioned before I often work from home, so one of the common phrases around here is, "...mommy is working."

"You need to go play, mommy is working. You need to find daddy, mommy is working. Please leave my office, mommy is working etc. etc."

Yesterday, Marcus was saying something to Emerson when out of no where she says, "Go away, I working."

Haha, I have honestly never said go away to her, but I guess that's pretty much what it boils down to when I tell her I'm working.

Since both Marcus and I have started running these couple of weeks so has Emerson. She often finds the digital watch puts it on and says, "I go run" and then sprints around the house.

Today she and I did some running in the backyard. She was so exciting to run with mama. Then we stretched and as we were walking back to the house she said, "I very thirsty."

She's such a stubborn, strong-willed child, but she's also so adorable (91% of the time anyways).

What I read in January & February...

January
1. Divergent by Veronica Roth
2. 11-22-63 by Stephen King
3. Second Helpings by Megan McCafferty
4. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green
5. Kisses from Katie by Katie J. Davis
6. Gabby: A Story of Courage and Hope by Gabrielle Giffords
7. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
8. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
9. The Dance of Anger by Harriet lerner
10. Charmed Thirds by Megan McCafferty
11. Fourth Comings by Megan McCafferty
12. Bumped by Megan McCafferty
13. Faceless Killers by Henning Mankell
14. A Thousand live: The Untold Story of Hope, Deception & Survival at Jonestown by Julia Scheeres

February
1. The Particular Sadness of lemon Cake by Aimee Bender
2. True Grit by Charles Portis
3. The Medium Next Door by Maureen Hancock
4. Change Me Into Zeus's Daughter by Barbara Moss Robinette
5. Possessing the Secret of Joy by Alice Walker
6. Anything We love Can be Saved by Alice Walker
7. Extremely loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer
8. In the Wake of the Plague: The Black Death & The World it Made by Norman Cantor
9. Daughter of Smoke & Bone by laini Taylor

Total for 2012: 23