March for Babies 2011...

We made it to the March of Dimes Walk this morning (after our late night t-shirt adventures) and for once we actually had nice weather for the walk. The last two walks it rained. (Of course we're in a whole new state). Speaking of which I found it interesting that there weren't very many family teams at this walk. In CT there was tons and a lot of multiples. Here not so much, in fact Eli & Emerson seemed to be a novelty and usually at preemie events twins aren't. We had a good time and the babies pretty much walked/ran the entire 2 miles. 

The back of their shirts with our team name (I was trying to get them to look at me). 

You can kind of see the front of their shirts here

See the stroller, they sat in it for about 2 minutes total the entire time. 

Our family team (minus my mother in law who drove up to join us in the walk)

Eli & Emerson

A quick snack before the start of the race

Marcus and Eli on the walk

My mother in law pushing the stroller

Eli & Emerson walking/running for the cause

They got distracted easily and often veered off track. To many exciting things to check out

Me & my 32 week miracles. 

Our family after the walk

Gram with Eli & Emmy

Notice the sleeve of my shirt. Marcus and I both had a small infertility awareness week symbol on our shirts. It seemed fitting. We saw a few other people with the IF ribbon too. 

You'd think I would learn...

but I don't. Me and my procrastinating ways always get the better of me, and each time I vow to do different, and then I just don't. At least this time in the realm of life I just procrastinated on my March of Dimes t-shirts for our walk tomorrow.

I thought Marcus ordered the t-shirts weeks ago. He didn't, so tonight I'm attempting to make shirts for our family team and nothing is going right.

1.) First, finding t-shirts. It's impossible to even find basic white shirts for our family. We ended up buying Eli a girls small t-shirt. We put it on and it was huge and he looked kind of like we found a shirt on the street and decided okay good enough. So that shirt had to go back to the store. Then the shirt I bought had 2 holes in it so that had to go back too.

2.) We don't have ink at our house so I had to go to work at 8 at night.

3.) Our 6 parking spaces are taken so I have to park a block away in the parking garage

4.) I lose my parking ticket (which is a $12 fine) I don't have $12 on me.

5.) Turns out my printer in my office doesn't do mirror image so back home I go

6.) Luckily on the way back to my car I found my missing parking ticket.

7.) Marcus runs to the store for ink for our printer

8.) now it's 9:25pm and I'm pretty confident I'm going to make the least attractive shirts in the universe because I'm tired.

NO MORE.

I'm making a vow I will not procrastinate any more...

Well I'm going to try not to...

***UPDATE**

It's now 9:38 and we were having issues with our printer. Turns out upon some inspection there are Q-tips inside our printer. I wonder who could be responsible for that? Maybe somebody with names that start with the letter E?

*** UPDATE #2***
It's now 10:38 and we now own a chair cushion that looks like this...

yeah... we're brilliant. We don't own a ironing board so Marcus had the idea to use the cushion in between the shirt. "Do you smell something burning? I think I smell something burning?" All the while ironing away only to discover that cushions do not make a good ironing board. Oops...

I'm seriously about to pull out that puff paint and sequins and go old school on this... 

UPDATE #3

It's 11:44 pm and the shirts are done for better or for worse. Now our next obstacle printing out our donation forms. I need some organization in my life this is madness.

Myth: Infertility is God's way of saying you shouldn't have children

Myth: Infertility is God's way of saying you shouldn't have children.

My Truth: For as long as I can remember my faith has been strong and steadfast. Then in early 2008 my husband and I received a devastating diagnosis of azoospermia, a diagnosis which left us with no chance of ever having biological children together, and it forever changed our outlook on the world. 

To make matters worth with the diagnosis of infertility comes a myriad of reasons why we couldn't and shouldn't have children. Comments like, 

"Oh it's just God's way of saying you shouldn't have children." 

"It just isn't meant to be and you shouldn't mess with what nature and God are telling you."

"God must have a plan for you that doesn't involve children."

"This is God's way of stamping out some 'bad' genes."

These are things we've actually heard and I suppose unless one has battled infertility it is hard to really describe the range of emotions that go along with it. After all as Laura Bush describes in her memoir, “The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence... Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?”[i] Indeed who can fully explain the grief, anguish, anger, pain and mourning if one has not experienced it. These feelings are further compounded when someone suggests that we should just, "accept it, leave it alone, and get over because it's God's will." 

However, I know that God does not cause our suffering and God did not intend for us to remain childless. Instead God mourned and cried with us as we faced our infertility.  Serene Jones in her book Trauma and Grace Theology in a Ruptured World, discusses reproduction loss and writes, “ I imagine [God] holding [these men and women], curling her own ruptured body around them and rocking with them. “I know” she says “I know”. 

For those who have faced infertility or any kind of reproductive loss Jones points out that, “…there’s a solidarity with this God who has born such loss…” Jones finally goes on to note that what so many miss, myself included, “…is a rather ironic fact: the image that most effectively captures the nature of God’s redeeming grace is not an image of mothering, but an image of maternal loss.”[ii]

God understood my pain, God was with me and my husband during this time and despite my anger, God stood strong and whispered through it all, “I know, I know.”  


God was with us through our entire process. The diagnosis, making the decision to use a donor, choosing the donor, the IUI cycles. We are so grateful for the technology that made parenthood a continued possibility. 

We know that God cried tears of sorrow and grief with us when we received our diagnosis, and God cried tears of joy and thanksgiving when we welcomed these two beautiful babies into our lives. 

Photo by Kelli Dease Photography

I know that I was meant to be a mother and beyond that I know that my husband was called to be a father. A childless future was not God's will or plan for us, and thankfully reproductive medicine exists to help create our beautiful miracles.  

---

[i] Bush, Laura. Spoken From the Heart. Scribner: New York, NY 2010.

[ii] Jones, Serene. Trauma and Grace: Theology in a Ruptured World. Westminster Press: Louisville, KY 2009. Pg, 150. 

For more information about infertility visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101

For information about National Infertility Awareness Week visit http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

Hope Fulfilled...

Since it's National Infertility Week I've been thinking about our journey through infertility. I've also been re-reading through my old infertility blog and I was reminded of what the urologist who gave us our final diagnosis of azoospermia. He said to us with a voice full of compassion....

“You both will have a family, you will be parents, and you’ll have kids that you love, and drive you nuts just like everyone else’s.” 

 I loved him for saying that. In a moment filled with pain, sadness, loss and grief, this kind man reminded us about hope. He reminded us that having a family was still attainable and now three years later his statement couldn't be more true. (Especially as we enter into the stage of two 2 year olds).

For me seeing these two easter baskets overwhelmed my heart with joy. 

A visible sign in the quiet of the night that we had our family,

A visible sign of the two babies that we love (and that sometimes drive us nuts),

 A visible sign of our hope fulfilled. 

Having two year olds is dangerous...

It's possible that my toes are broken and it's in large part to my delightful little (almost) two year old Emerson. Eli & Emerson love to go up the stairs because they know they're not suppose to and at this point they can just move the baby gate out of the way. I went up and hauled Eli back down and then went back up for Emerson.

When I picked her up she starting screaming and kicking and jerking all over. As I attempted to step over the gate (while trying to keep ahold of her) I lost my footing twisting my ankle, bent my toes, and fell on top of the gate, which landed on top of Eli.

Emerson was crying because she was scared, Eli was crying because he was trapped underneath a gate and I was screaming in pain because I was straddling a gate with a toddler on my lap and an ankle and toes that wouldn't bear weight. It was awesome. I kept waiting for the neighbors to look over and see the three of us in a heap on the stairs in various degrees of distress. 

It took some effort but I was finally able to free Eli from the gate and then once he was quiet Emmy was too and they were both fine. I on the other hand was not. I couldn't move or put weight on my ankle and I think I scared Eli & Emerson into silence. They both just sat on either side of me staring and not making any noise. Eli would occasionally pat my leg, but they were both silent.

It was such an awesome moment in my life and now I'm limping around with two sprained or broken toes. 

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24-April 30 2011

Easter 2011...

We had a nice and simple easter. Eli & Emerson woke up and were a little perplexed by the baskets. 

At first he refused to touch anything in his.

He does love a good hat though. 

Notice Emmy's basket is empty while his is still full. 

Emmy & Eli at church. This was pretty much the best picture I got of the two of them all day. They are impossible. They looked so cute but wouldn't hold still for a picture. 

The family easter picture. 

Emmy & Me. She's attached to my hip in a bad way. It makes sunday mornings very interesting when I'm working and she's following me around begging to be picked up. 

Then a couple from my church hosted an Easter egg hunt. They were both distracted by the horses in this picture. 

Emmy was finding an egg. Although similar to my last easter egg hunt experience we had another crazy adult "stealing" all the eggs. This adult woman didn't have any kids but was running around grabbing all the plastic eggs (the ones with candy and toys inside) and stuffing them in her shirt. Then she was pointing out the leftover hard boiled eggs for Eli & Emerson to grab. I have no idea who she was or why she was there but I really wanted to say something to her. Who does that? Who steals eggs from a bunch of kids? Later I saw her opening all of her plastic eggs and commenting on the things inside. 

Eli once again was a very determined egg hunter. 

Trying to get a picture but to no avail. Looking out the window is more fun than looking at their mom. 

Almost got a picture of the two of them but they wouldn't look.

Emmy being silly.

My in-laws drove up for the day and I'm a little embarrassed that I don't have any pictures of them with the babies. Opps they left around 3 to head home and we all took a nap. 

"Christ the Lord is Risen Today!" ~ Charles Wesley

Christ the Lord is Risen today

Alleluia!

Earth & Heaven in Chorus say

Alleluia 

Raise your joys and Triumphs high

Alleluia 

Sing Ye heavens and Earth reply 

Alleluia!

Happy Easter!!! 

Dying Eggs...

Please excuse the Halloween costume. They've been really into wearing them the last few days. Also using a whisk to dye eggs best idea ever. I got the idea from a fellow MoM on a message board.

Eli is deciding if he should maybe lick the egg. He decided yes so gross. He also used the whisk to bang the egg on the table. Several eggs were lost due to Eli. 

Lots of concentration in this picture. 

Emmy would pull the egg out and say, "pretty"

The 6 eggs that survived Eli & Emerson. We then just gave them each a plain white egg and some stickers. 

Easter Egg Hunt...

despite the rainy weather we decided to head out and let the babies try their first easter egg hunt. Before I get to that (and pictures) a few things I observed:

1.) Apparently when you're child turns two you're suppose to be pregnant again. Oh my goodness it seemed like every woman there with a child in the 2 year old hunt was pregnant.

2.) Parents are ridiculous. They seemed to think that they should grab every egg in sight, throw it in their kids basket and then cheer, "good job honey look how many you got." Never mind the children milling about with less aggressive parents who had 2.

3.) Every time Emmy bent down to pick up an egg some adult swooped in and grabbed it first. WTH?

4.) The sign said 2 & under if your children is say, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 years old they should probably go to the appropriately marked area instead of taking a bunch of eggs from toddlers.

In summary lots of pregnant ladies, and people are insanely aggressive. That said Emerson and Especially Eli had a great time.

At first they were a little confused but once they saw they could pick up an egg (or a ball as Eli calls them) and put it in their basket they were off. Eli was running everywhere as fast as he could saying, "ball, ball, ball, ball" over and over.

He was hysterically aggressive and attentive about the whole thing. Marcus was chasing after him the entire time so he didn't lose him.

Emmy had a more reserved approach to the hunt. She stayed close to me. When bend down pick up an egg, look up and panic and say, "mommy, mommy" there were so many people she kept losing track of me poor girl. But she two seemed delighted with the 4 eggs she managed to grab. (I would like to add that Marcus and I didn't touch an egg we let them do it all on their own).

Marcus & Eli before the hunt

Me & Emmy. She was impossible to get a picture of. 

She thought it was hilarious to turn her head away from the camera. 

Eli with his successful Egg gathering

A few more. A kind woman added a few more to his basket

Emmy looking a little overwhelmed by everything

Easter bunny. Emmy was not impressed so I had to be in the picture too. 

This easter bunny was free. To get a picture with the one at the mall is $30 which is nuts. 

Another.

Looking at some ducks.