Today was not a good day for me. Eli and Emerson woke up in horrific moods. Probably because they took naps yesterday, so they weren't tired at bedtime, and didn't actually go to sleep until after 10pm. Then they got up early.
Every little thing set off a huge fit. My mother-in-law sent each of them a small box of chocolate for Valentines day. Eli ate his immediately (that boy loves his candy, cookies, and sweets). Emmy ate two pieces and left the rest in the box.
She left the room came back, saw Eli looking at her box, noticed two pieces were gone, apparently forgot that she already ate those two pieces, and had an epic meltdown, "Bubba ate my chocolate, my chocolate."
Eli did not eat her chocolate she did, she just forgot.
Much of the day went in a similar fashion.
Plus I cannot handle the constant mess everywhere. They drag out all their toys, dump everything they own out on the floor. We live in chaos all the time. It's a mess and today I just could not handle their constant fits and the mess.
Add to the fact that I've been really struggling to find a good balance for work.
I am not a stay at home mom. I am not called to be a stay at home mom, and I am a better mother to my children if I get some time out of the house. This is just how I'm wired.
I have a job, but I work from home 97% of the time. Which means most of my work happens whenever I can squeeze it in. My kids don't nap (and when they do it turns into a nightmare like today), so I get no downtime away from them from the moment they wake up until bed.
It doesn't matter that I have to prepare two services every week, research and write a sermon, plan my weekly bible study, pastoral care, cards, phone calls etc etc. Each week is different but I have a lot of stuff to get done and I feel like I'm constantly behind because I don't have any real separation between home and work.
Plus even if Marcus is home it's not as though I get that time to work. It just doesn't happen that way. If I'm home Eli, Emmy, and Marcus all know it and they seem to forget that I have a job I need to attend to and that I would like that to happen before the middle of the night.
Add in the constant headaches from the last 2 weeks, the fact that I can't sleep I feel like I'm losing my mind.
As such I cannot be an effective wife, mother, pastor, or person. I just can't function.
I don't really know what to do at this point to make it better. I'm frustrated and today was just not a good day at all.
This turned into a big vent, and I didn't intend for that to happen. I just hate how the assumption of the world is that as the female the roles I'm expected to have in the home seem like a given.
I'm always the one trying to figure out childcare. Trying to manage meetings and bible studies with two year old twins coming along.
Yet, on Saturday it was Marcus who got a handshake and literal pat on the back from a stranger for being, "Such an involved caring dad."
And he is... he's great, and I appreciate all the help and support that I do have, I just can't help but feel the wheel of society always tips in favor of the male.
They get extra credit points for merely being present, where as I have to defend myself to many in my town because I'm a female pastor (oh the horror) and I'm trying to figure out how to balance it all.
Today it didn't feel balanced or healthy at all.
I need a vacation.
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3 comments:
Huge hugs and lots of prayers! It isn't easy.
Is there any way that you could make a space at your church to work? Even just a small corner...so that you could have that separation between the two?
It is so hard to have those days that are hard with no breaks (we had one yesterday). I know I'm on the otherside of the country, but if there is anything I can do, let me know.
I for one think you are doing a wonderful job. This is just the kind of day most young families have here and there! Don't be so hard on yourself. Would it be possible to set up an office of some sort right at the church (if only in a closet) that you could slip away to for even a couple hours a day, to work?
You definitely need workspace outside of your house, or in a location in your house your children can't get to (attic, baesment, locked bathroom!). Even if it's nearby, you have to have separate space that is your "work" space.
You obviously have a great relationship with Marcus, but you have to ask him to set some boundaries of time that you can use for work (or frankly, just YOU). You need time you can rely on as YOUR time to do what you need to do.
Finally, I know money is probably tight, but is there a cooperative preschool or something low cost around that you could bring the kids to on a regular basis, so you could eek out a little extra time? Or someone from church or around town you could regularly use as a low-cost babysitter? Or trade services--I can't remember what Marcus does for work, but perhaps there is a way to barter for childcare?
Good luck, and do remember that everyone has these days.
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