The continued sting of infertility and prematurity...

I know I shouldn't let things bother me, but that knowledge does very little to actually help. Today I went to a baby shower for a women in my congregation who's due in the next few weeks.

It was a very nice shower and overall I had a really good time. There were just a few things that have been weighing on me since them.

1.) There was another two year old girl there. She's exactly 1 month older than Eli and Emerson. However, this girl can talk. In complete full sentences, she can have actual conversations, she can sing entire songs. Her language skills were just insane.

Which of course got me worrying about Eli and Emerson again. I know they're still behind in language. They're making progress, especially Emerson, but for the most part they still very much just parrot whatever we say. So if we ask them a question they just repeat the last word of it. "What color is this" answer: "this". "Do you want to take a bath?" Answer: "Bath"

They do have a few phrases that are independent of parroting, but they can't hold clear conversations, they don't know any songs, they can't "really" answer any questions with clear fully constructed sentences.

I don't know at this point if they're still affected by their prematurity. I was always told the expectation was for them to be caught up by two, but they are so not.

This little girl is also fully potty trained (but I don't really care so much about that).

I think what bothered me more is that once the mom realized that our kids were essentially the exact same age the difference between mine and hers was so clear. Mine were still very much babies compared to this other little girl, the difference was really astounding to me. Plus the mom kept saying "M--- you're just so smart" and then encouraged her to keep showing off all of the songs and things that she could do.

I hate that Eli and Emmy are still behind. I'm thinking of re-calling early intervention and seeing if they'll re-evaluate them. I wasn't satisfied with the last evaluation and would just like them to check in and see where we're at.

2.) Of course when you're at baby showers everybody likes to talk about their own pregnancies and births. Someone asked me how much weight I gained with the twins and I said 32lbs. They were shocked that it seemed like so little and then one women said, "Maybe your not eating enough is what caused them to come early."

As the mom of preemies I already question pretty much every second of my pregnancy wondering if I could have done something different. Having some essentially place blame on my shoulders for their prematurity never feels good.

3.) The fertility of others is still sometimes hard for me to handle. My best friend from high school just delivered her second baby on monday. We went through our first pregnancy together.  Three new babies are expected in my congregation in the next several months (and that's really wonderful and exciting), but sometimes it still stings a little.

The weird part is I do not want another child right now at all. But I think the hard part is not knowing if we'll ever truly be in a position where it's even possible.  The costs of the IF doctor and the necessary procedures to even get pregnant are so expensive, and none of it is covered by insurance.

Plus I absolutely do not want to repeat a multiples pregnancy. My first one did not go well at all and I have so much fear that by body will not handle another one either and I'll have even earlier preemies and more NICU time and all that goes with it.

While the pain of infertility has without a doubt diminished (I don't cry when others give birth any more yay for progress), it's still there. Some twinges of sadness, resentment, disappointment, that for us family building will never be simple or easy.