Saturday, November 19, 2011

The continued sting of infertility and prematurity...

I know I shouldn't let things bother me, but that knowledge does very little to actually help. Today I went to a baby shower for a women in my congregation who's due in the next few weeks.

It was a very nice shower and overall I had a really good time. There were just a few things that have been weighing on me since them.

1.) There was another two year old girl there. She's exactly 1 month older than Eli and Emerson. However, this girl can talk. In complete full sentences, she can have actual conversations, she can sing entire songs. Her language skills were just insane.

Which of course got me worrying about Eli and Emerson again. I know they're still behind in language. They're making progress, especially Emerson, but for the most part they still very much just parrot whatever we say. So if we ask them a question they just repeat the last word of it. "What color is this" answer: "this". "Do you want to take a bath?" Answer: "Bath"

They do have a few phrases that are independent of parroting, but they can't hold clear conversations, they don't know any songs, they can't "really" answer any questions with clear fully constructed sentences.

I don't know at this point if they're still affected by their prematurity. I was always told the expectation was for them to be caught up by two, but they are so not.

This little girl is also fully potty trained (but I don't really care so much about that).

I think what bothered me more is that once the mom realized that our kids were essentially the exact same age the difference between mine and hers was so clear. Mine were still very much babies compared to this other little girl, the difference was really astounding to me. Plus the mom kept saying "M--- you're just so smart" and then encouraged her to keep showing off all of the songs and things that she could do.

I hate that Eli and Emmy are still behind. I'm thinking of re-calling early intervention and seeing if they'll re-evaluate them. I wasn't satisfied with the last evaluation and would just like them to check in and see where we're at.

2.) Of course when you're at baby showers everybody likes to talk about their own pregnancies and births. Someone asked me how much weight I gained with the twins and I said 32lbs. They were shocked that it seemed like so little and then one women said, "Maybe your not eating enough is what caused them to come early."

As the mom of preemies I already question pretty much every second of my pregnancy wondering if I could have done something different. Having some essentially place blame on my shoulders for their prematurity never feels good.

3.) The fertility of others is still sometimes hard for me to handle. My best friend from high school just delivered her second baby on monday. We went through our first pregnancy together.  Three new babies are expected in my congregation in the next several months (and that's really wonderful and exciting), but sometimes it still stings a little.

The weird part is I do not want another child right now at all. But I think the hard part is not knowing if we'll ever truly be in a position where it's even possible.  The costs of the IF doctor and the necessary procedures to even get pregnant are so expensive, and none of it is covered by insurance.

Plus I absolutely do not want to repeat a multiples pregnancy. My first one did not go well at all and I have so much fear that by body will not handle another one either and I'll have even earlier preemies and more NICU time and all that goes with it.

While the pain of infertility has without a doubt diminished (I don't cry when others give birth any more yay for progress), it's still there. Some twinges of sadness, resentment, disappointment, that for us family building will never be simple or easy.


~Jess said...

I seriously think there are few people at that shower than need to be bitch-slapped (there's no nicer way to say it) want me to come out there and take care of them?

1) That mother was way rude in "showing off" her little girl like that. Our niece is 3 months older than Ave and BIL/PP are constantly doing that with her, when Ave is around...neither of them were preemies, so I can only imagine how much more your pain is when people do that, because I know it hurts me when Matt's family compare the two girls.

2) How are anyone try and blame a mother for any faults in her pregnancy and with her children. Sadie, YOU did the BEST that you could do, your body did the best that it could do. For that woman to verbalize her opinion and blame your weight was just cruel.

I know the thoughts and worries about what we do/don't do and it's affect on our children. We certainly don't need someone to spout out our own fears and blame us.

3)Other's fertility still bothers me....everyone we know is pregnant with 1 baby. While I wouldn't give these three up for the world, I do wish that I wouldn't have to worry about all the things that could go wrong with 3 at once. That when we try for #5 I wouldn't have to worry about twins/triplets again (my mom has even said, we should adopt the 5th just to avoid multiples again). It would be so much easier to not have to deal with the cost, fears, worries, disappointments and everything else that infertility is.

I'm sorry you had such a hard time at the shower, dealing with all those oblivious/insensitive women *HUGS*

Seriously, I'll fly myself out there and lay the smack down on them if you want me to ;-)

~Jess said...

Wow there are a lot of typos in that...

2) *How anyone could try and blame a mother...

foxy said...

Wow hun, there is so much packed into this post. As we quickly approach my due date I am once again hit with the reality that the grief and loss of infertility never really goes away. You have two perfect beautiful children, and yet there is still a sting when others make inappropriate and ignorant comments. It makes me wish that we valued compassion more as a society - there is so much more power in showing compassion.

and while I hate knowing that these struggles continue, I feel like it is so important to continue to acknowledge the journey that brought us here, to this wonderful long awaited experience of parenting. All of these moments are chances for us to remember just how lucky we really are.


Becks said...

I feel you. One of my best friends just had her 4th baby last week. We both were trying to get pregnant at the same time (me for a 2nd, her for the 4th), and here we are. Her with a new baby, me with none. I've never cried when someone else has a baby before, and I don't begrudge her or her baby in any way, I just feel like my body is such a failure. I bought her baby a little hat, and ended up crying myself to sleep because my body is so rotten and who knows if or when I will have another child.

Debbie said...

I must agree with Jess. but I didn't know how to say it. Bitch slap!! That's it.
It was rude and insensitive.

So was the lady who suggested what you ate caused a premature labor.

Wish I could take all the hurt away....