Tonsils, adenoids, and ear tubes oh my...

It seems Emmy may possibly need the trifecta. Tonsil and adenoids removed and tubes put in place. The doctor just seemed kind of frustrated. Last time we were at the ENT two weeks ago she had a tonsil infection and fluid in her ears and couldn't breathe (even though I told the doctor she never sounds like she can breathe I don't think he believed me).

So he wanted to see her in two weeks after some antibiotics. So we went back and really nothing has changed. She still has fluid in her ears, her eardrums still aren't moving at all, she still can't breathe and her tonsils are still enlarged.

I could sense that the doctor is apprehensive about the procedures because of her age (which I appreciate). So as he said in an effort to maybe delay the inevitable for a little longer we're going to try a nose spray for the next month and see if that helps with the snoring and then go back.

He's thinking of maybe starting with just the tubes and adenoids, and waiting on the tonsils until she's older. I guess we'll see what happens in a month.

Marcus is mocking me..

in a nice way because I've taken to a letter writing campaign to my congressman. I didn't like his vote to cut Federal Funding for Planned Parenthood. The congressman sent me a "response" to my first letter and frankly I didn't like it.

So I wrote my congressman a follow up letter with a few more questions and concerns. Marcus is laughing as I passionately typed away and was explaining to Emerson why we were writing to our congressman man. (She was sitting on my lap "helping me") Marcus said, "wow you really showed him."

Haha, I know, he doesn't read his email, I know his reply is just a stock reply, but it makes me feel better.  Marcus and I are trying to decide if we think I'll get the exact same letter in reply to this second inquiry. We shall see. (So this is kind of an experiment too) but he did say to keep him informed of the issues that matter to me and to keep in touch (we're obviously BFFs now) so I think I'll take my congressman up on that offer.

Here's my second letter to my congressman. I think I'm going to write to him about my issues with medicaid next. This is kind of fun.

Dear Congressman _____
Thank you very much for your response regarding my inquiry as to why you would vote to cut federal funding from Planned Parenthood. However, I have to say that you're response did little to alleviate my concerns as you have turned this conversation into one about abortion. You state in your letter that you, "support the privacy rights of women..." and yet your vote to restrict federal funding to Planned Parenthood directly contradicts this statement. Planned Parenthood is one of the largest providers of healthcare for women in this country, not to mention it is one of the only options that is accessible and affordable.  


By voting to cut funding you are essentially voting against women and their right for access to basic medical and family planning care. Even more concerning however is that you are turning this question into one about abortion when it is in fact not about that.  


Congressman ___ as I'm sure you are well aware (or at least I would hope you are well aware) federal monies cannot be used for abortions. Therefore your statement, "Millions of hardworking taxpayers strongly object to their tax dollars funding activities such as abortion, which they find morally objectionable." is inaccurate and not relevant. This is not a question about tax dollars being used for abortions since it is already stipulated that federal dollars cannot be used for abortion. Not to mention there are hundreds of Planned Parenthood clinics around the country that do not even offer abortion services.  


Planned Parenthood far and above provides things like, pre-cancer screenings, screenings for sexually transmitted diseases, sex education, access to birth control and family planning resources. Cutting funding for planned parenthood does nothing to impact abortion, once again this is NOT about abortion. It is about the right for women to have access to medical care, care that Planned Parenthood can uniquely offer to women around the country. I really do hope that you will keep my concerns in mind in the future when voting on issues relating to Health Care and Planned Parenthood.  
Thanks, Sadie

Home...

Yesterday Marcus, the babies and I made a quick trip to our hometown (about 170 miles from where we lived). We drove up so I could attend my sister's baby shower. I told Marcus last night that I loved going "home" to his parents house because it reminds me of Christmas break and it almost always feels like a vacation.

We weren't even there for 24 hours but I enjoyed my time reading, talking with my mother in law, sermon writing (well I kind of enjoyed this), watching the babies so obviously at ease in their grandparents home.

I'm glad we went even though it meant waking up at 5:00 this morning driving for 2.5 hours and then pretty much immediately preaching a sermon.

It's been awhile...

since I've complained about our health care situation, but never fear it's an ongoing theme in our lives. I wrote here about Eli & Emerson's less than stellar hearing test results and the request by the audiologist that they been seen by an ENT.

Lucky for 50% of my children Emerson already had a referral and an appointment with an ENT so she was already good to go. Bad for the other 50% of my children Eli did not have a referral and thus I set about trying to get one.

I called the clinic (you know the only clinic in the city that will treat my children because having medicaid here apparently = nobody will treat your child, it's fun). They sent me to a referral line where i get a message indicating that this line is for doctors only. It goes on to state that if this is a patient trying to get a referral you must deal directly with the doctor. I did hear this but since the receptionist transfered me to this line I took a chance and left a message. I honestly didn't expect a return call, but I was trying to be optimistic, silly me.

So after waiting several days I called back again today explained that my 21 month old son had a crappy hearing test and he needs to be seen by an ENT, and wouldn't you know it they didn't even say anything to me they simply transfered me to that same line with the same recording. This just infuriated me and I hung up and promptly called back.

This time I took a more direct approach with the woman on the line, and she did actually ask me a few questions this time. Like who I see there on a regular basis, (she wasn't impressed when I mentioned that we've never seen the same doctor twice, not my fault lady I don't set up the appointments). Then she asks who we saw last, I had no idea. Too many doctors, too many babies, too many appointments, too many things to remember. Again she wasn't very impressed with me, but begrudgingly looked it up and then once again transfered me to another line with a different recording. I left another message and here we are several weeks past the hearing test and not one bit closer to having a referral. I want to scream or cry or both I'm so tired of this.

It's not hard a request, it's not an unreasonable request, and yet no one seems the least bit interested in actually helping me. Argggggg

::::

This then leads into some doctor woes of my own (and I actually have insurance). I'm on an SSRI for my PPD and anxiety. While still living in CT I was being seen weekly by a therapist and getting this prescription was no big deal.

Since moving it's been a huge issue. I went to refill it this month to discover that I didn't have any refills left on the bottle. So I called my doctor to request a refill because going cold turkey off an SSRI is very bad, and it makes you feel very bad. The directions even say right on the bottle don't do it. I don't have a medical degree but I know this is bad. So I assume my request is simple, reasonable, responsible even.

I called and the receptionist said she would ask the doctor and that was it. I called back later in the afternoon to learn my request was denied. I was informed I needed to make an appointment (which I already did. I have an appointment for monday) but that doesn't change the fact that I ran out of my medication early this week and the results have not been pleasant.

When I learned that my request was denied I was instantly went to tears as I tried to calmly explain to the lady that I just needed enough medication to get me through Monday. I need to function (I need to write and deliver a sermon and teach a class and be a mother) and the last several days I have not been able to do that. I think she could hear my distress because she seemed sympathetic and I finally did in fact get a prescription for three pills.

I really hate that being off the medication for even just a few days is so disastrous. I do hope to someday get to a point when I can wean off them, but I'm not there yet.

I also worry about putting all of this out there, but I've decided that there's no shame in knowing that I need some help. It took me a long long time to recognize and accept that and I'm a better person when I face these things head on instead of trying to pretend they simply don't exist. (Plus, being off the pills makes me incredibly dizzy among other things and that just sucks).

Not a good week for so many reasons.

Silly babies...

Marcus cleaned out the trunk of our car the other day and brought in a box of clothes that had been given to me and also found a tutu. The babies thought this box of clothes was super exciting and Eli grabbed the tutu ran over to me and wanted it on. Not to be outdone by her brother Emerson grabbed the first shirt she saw in the box.

Aren't they cute playing dress up? 

A difference...

One of the thing that constantly strikes me is the level of innate fear present in the majority of women that men never think twice about. (Stick with me I have a point). On Tuesday nights I have youth group with my middle school and high school students. We end officially at 8:30 but sometimes due to talking, cleaning up etc. We all leave closer to nine. Add to the equation that we are a downtown church in the middle of casinos, bars, homelessness etc. Being out at night can sometimes be unnerving.

As such I always inquire where my high schoolers parked and then if necessary accompany them to their vehicles. When I ask my male high school seniors, they roll their eyes and often respond with a sarcastic tone, "I'm fine I'm a big boy." Where as when I ask my girls they automatically understand and appreciate my concern and respond, "We parked right out front, we drove with each other so we've got each others back." They get it. As females their concern is different and it's heightened.

On Tuesday night as I accompanied two of my senior high girls to their car there was a homeless man standing right at the entrance of our church. He tried to approach the girls and started talking to them, but they both quickly kept walking and got into their car. I then headed back to the building (behind locked doors) and asked the man if he needed something. He claimed he didn't and I went back in to finish shutting of the lights and gathering my belongings.

Then I faced my own dilemma. How did I get to my car safely? I peaked through the window and saw that he was still standing there. So I waited several minutes hoping he would leave, and looked again. He was still there. At one point I stuck my head out the door and said, "hello" and then popped back inside. (I was hoping he was gone).

At this point I called Marcus and asked him if he thought I was being a baby because I was going to call the non-emergency police line and have them escort the man off the property/escort me to my car. Marcus told me to do what I needed to do so I punched the number in my cell phone and as I was headed out I ran into one of our custodians who lives upstairs in the church's apartment.

I was hugely relieved and asked if he would stand at the door as I walked to my car. He was throughly confused by my request not understanding what the issue was. It's not as though I expected him to do anything per say but often just the presence of another person will deter someone.

In the end all was well, but it got me thinking once again about a conversation I had with Marcus after I returned home from my summer studying in Spain.

I simply asked him, "When you walk down the street, or are in a parking lot by yourself to you feel afraid. Do you fear for your safety?" His response was a simple shrug and, "not really."

I then explained to him that I, and most of the women I have had this conversation with do. When I walk outside alone, mostly at night I have an overlying level of fear. In Spain this was one of the most challenging aspects. We were placed with host families in various neighborhoods in the city of Seville. Therefore, we were spread all over the city.

I lived in the same neighborhood as two of my closest friends in Spain and so we always walked each other home. The issue was that I lived the farthest away. The other two never arrived at their apartments alone, but as I dropped them off I was left to walk the remaining four blocks by myself and it was deeply unsettling, and my friends felt the same way. We always departed with the simple request, "Text me when you get home."

It was an unspoken understanding and we wanted confirmation about ones safety. It was late often past 10 (this is the nature of Spanish culture). I was alone and we were in residential neighborhoods far away from where any large groups of people would be. During these four blocks home I walked as swiftly as I could, I intentionally carried little with me, if I saw a couple or even better a family I awkwardly tagged along with them, and I often crossed back and forth across the street depending on who was on the other side. Often a single male walking alone triggered a need to cross the street (not always some were more menacing than others). Keep in mind this is also the same city where men frequently whistled, grabbed, made comments, and one guy even ran up and licked my face (although that was not the norm clearly) all in the daylight so at night I felt even more vulnerable.

On one of our last nights in Spain a group of us went to the Bull Fights which ended a little after midnight. We then all went our ways to our various neighborhoods. This evening there was a group of about 6 of us walking in the same direction and finally it was just me and one other guy from the program. He lived a couple blocks away from me.

I was grateful that for once I would have someone accompany me all the way home, especially since it was later than usual. Yet, we reached the road where he turned left and I turned right and he looked at me and said, "see you tomorrow" and walked away.

He obviously had none of the same concerns about walking home alone at night and he seemed oblivious to the fact that walking two extra blocks to get me home would have eased a great deal of tension.

As an adult male he simply wasn't concerned and it didn't occur to him that I might be. Much like Marcus had never really thought about it. After explaining all of this to Marcus I made him promise that should he ever be in a situation where he can walk someone a few extra blocks home (especially a female) just do it.

It sucks that so many women exist with an overarching sense of fear. A fear that my friends and I didn't even have to communicate with each other we simply felt it and knew.

There's a really incredible monologue that's part of Eve Ensler's collection A Memory, A Monologue, A Rant, and a Prayer that so fully speaks to this fear. (I'll have to look it up when I get the chance).

I think I'll be having a larger discussion with the youth group about this very thing. Especially since so many of them are off to college next year. A talk about safety, a talk with the guys who roll their eyes at my concern, and a talk about why we feel this way and what we can do to combat it. Women should not have to exist with fear.

Long and random I know but it was on my mind.

I miss my babies part II...

This is the second part because lately between my primary job commitments and then the extra hours of tutoring on top of that I feel like I don't ever get to see Eli & Emerson and it sucks.

On Tuesdays for example I only see them briefly in the mornings and then they're in bed by the time I get home from leading my youth group. This is going to become a larger problem during Lent because in addition to my Tuesday youth group during Lent I'm going to be teaching an Adult education class at my church on Wednesday evenings. Which means another night when I won't get home until after they're in bed.

It really really sucks and I'm not sure what to do about it. I picked up the tutoring job because frankly we need the extra money. That said I've already cut down on my students since it was taking me an hour round trip to drive to the tutoring location, thus creating two more evenings when I didn't really see the babies. I don't feel as though I can fully eliminate the tutoring job completely due to money constraints and my commitment to the kids I'm working with.

Couple this with the fact that physically I can't keep up with these demands. I hurt almost all the time, the Crohns thing is annoying pretty much all the time, I'm tired all the time. I don't know what to do and right now there aren't really any great solutions.

I need to figure out a better way to take care of myself physically (time for exercising). Mentally, down time that doesn't involve work. This morning I woke up at 5am and sent a panicked email to our administrator about something that needed to be edited in the newsletter before it's printed (this is just madness), and I need more time with my babies. I miss them and they miss me.

I love working and I could never stay at home full time, but I do wish there was some way for me to have a greater balance between time with Eli & Emerson and the commitment to work.

I imagine this will continue to be an ongoing struggle.