And then there are the days...

when I feel like anything but a superwoman. Like today. Both babies have colds which they have kindly passed on to me. Luckily so far it mostly just seems to be runny noses (and our pedi. confirmed this for us when we rushed Eli to the doctor Friday in our illness paranoia). But they whine all night long and woke up at four this morning and would not go back to sleep.

So I got up with both of them and went to the living room. I put Eli in the swing and Emerson in the bouncer after they calmed down and laid on the couch. Emerson finally dozed off watching country music videos (we never let them watch TV but at 4 in the morning the music and TV calmed her down I was desperate) and Eli fell asleep in the swing and I eventually fell asleep on the couch. That's where Marcus found the three of us when he got up at 7.

So on just a few hours of sleep Marcus left for school and work and I was alone with two whiney, needy, babies who both just wanted to be held All.Day.Long. Plus I was exhausted and also sick and the three of us had several break downs throughout the day. It was a long, long, long day and reminded me of some of the early days with the babies when breakdowns were a regular occurrence. The day culminated with a meeting with my internship supervisor and committee. I was not in my finest form to say the least.

I'm so exhausted, feel awful, have more work than is humanly possible, the laundry needs to be done, I need to be applying for post-graduation jobs but that requires time, and we're flying home for my sisters wedding in a day in the midst of a snowstorm so we'll probably be stranded somewhere forever with two whiny babies. Then we'll quickly fly back where the work will be waiting, I'll be more behind, more exhausted, and the babies will be whiney and tired from the travel. Awesome.

Sometimes I think I really can't do this.

(And the babies are 9 months old today, but that's a post for another time).

I put my pants on inside out this morning...

I zipped them up, buttoned them, and went about my Sunday morning routine (panicking and preparing things for church, and the study I'm leading, last minute).

I was finishing my hair when Marcus walked by and starting laughing, "Are your pants on inside out?"

"No...(*looking in the mirror*) they're fine... oh wait, crap they are."

Thank goodness for laughing, observant husbands. I can only imagine how embarrassing it would have been to stand up before the congregation with my pants on inside out. I'm still not sure how I managed to button and zip them without noticing. Perhaps more sleep is in order.

Random thoughts...

*Both babies have runny noses, I'm trying to remain calm.

*I think Eli is teething a lot these days, but what do I know? Emerson had two teeth one day and we never noticed anything prior to that.

*Emerson did much better with her baby-sitters today. The second time I left for class she didn't cry at all.

*I still hate solids and so does Eli, Emerson still loves them and the bigger the mess the better. She started crying today when I wiped her high chair because she has fun playing in the food.

*Emerson in laying in bed awake..."talking" to herself. She talks a lot these days.

*We're having tacos for dinner I'd really rather have soup.

*My body hurts I think it's a fibro. flare up. Awesome.

*I need to go to NJ to do some research but I have no time.

*I need to apply for jobs, but I also have no time to do that.

*We're leaving to go back to Nevada next week for my sisters wedding and I still haven't unpacked my bag from our last trip (shhhh... don't tell anyone. Everyone elses bags are unpacked).

*I'm over living in an apartment, especially on the second floor.

*I'm reading a book for fun instead of the hundreds of pages I need to read for class.

*When I walk in the door after class Emerson always puts her arms up and reaches for me, then she gives me a tight squeeze each time like she's hugging me. I love this about her. I love that she knows that I'm her mom.

*I'm tired of being tired.

Emerson's first solo PT...

In december at their six month physical therapy review it was decided that because Emerson wasn't even meeting her adjusted goals she would start having PT twice a month and Eli would stay with just once a month.

Last Friday was her first solo PT appointment and the first part of it worked out great because Eli was sleeping and I was able to devote my entire attention to Emerson and the exercises that she needed to work on. It's such a rare treat to be able to give them one-on-one attention. This was also useful because Emerson is still having a hard time with anyone other than me and Marcus, so I was holding her a lot and going through the exercises at the direction of the PT.

Eli woke up about half-way through and he didn't know that it was just for Emerson so he set off doing every single thing he knows how to do. He's such a funny little show off. He would make noise trying to get the PT's attention and then when she would look he would smile and do a push-up or backbend or some other crazy trick that he's doing these days.

Eli was also useful because when Emerson was freaking out and wouldn't calm down the PT used Eli as a model to demostrate the different exercises that we need to work with Emerson on. He was thrilled with this position and did everything perfectly and in perfect form. (He's a little showboat).

After the PT left Emerson calmed down enough and we did some of the tummy time together.

Please excuse my awkwardness (The PT has much longer legs and did this with much more ease and comfort).

Working hard on her neck muscles.

She's looking up high because she caught sight of her dad who is her favorite person in the whole world.

And then she got tired and decided she would lick the ball instead.

When the physical therapist isn't present she seems to enjoy the exercises on the ball (and Eli loves them too). 

A few minutes ago...

Eli woke up from his nap and was "talking" loudly on the floor like he often does. Although I have no idea what the boy babbles about Emerson thought it was hilarious and she kept looking at him and giggling.

These are the moments when having twins is really fun.

Some days I feel like a superwoman...

today was one of those days. I successfully got myself and both babies dressed, fed, bathed and ready to leave the house by 10:00 am and I did it all by myself. Plus I carried them both down our flights of stairs, a baby under each arm (literally), all the while praying that Eli wouldn't take that moment to launch himself out by doing his weird backbend, jumping, push-up routine. Luckily he contained himself.

I then awkwardly got the babies out from under my arms into their stroller and didn't drop either of them (huge relief). Made it out the door, (barely thank goodness for a kind man who saw my ridiculousness and jogged over to hold the door for me) up the hill, and into my school.

And then I was exhausted, out of breath, and sweating and wanted to go home and sleep...

But I pushed on and the three of us made it upstairs to the chapel so we could hear my good friend D preach (Emerson's godparent). I then successfully handled both babies during the service, and they were amazingly adorable, making cute baby noises during the moment of silence (which a professor of mine later told me was her favorite moment). And Eli is now famous as he assisted D with the benediction, Eli does love being the center of attention.

Yes today I am a superwoman... out of the house and back. (Which to many may not seem like much, but to me it really is).

So tired of the comments...

I spent my pregnancy dealing with ridiculous comments and questions, I now face the random weird twin questions and stares from people, but I am so tired of the questions regarding my judgment about having children.

I ran into my former boss (from my first year of grad. school). She was talking to me about how she hadn't met the babies yet, how old they were, basic things like that. But then she asked the dreaded, annoying, none of your business question. "So was this a surprise."

At this point my standard answer is always, "Just the twin part." That's the best I can come up with. She either didn't get what I was saying or wasn't listening because she then followed it up this lovely gem.

"When I heard you were pregnant all I thought was, what were you thinking. But these things happen all the time."

Okay. What the hell? I so badly wanted to tell her that my babies were more than planned and that it's insulting to assume and question the judgment of a grown woman about when and how she and her partner chose to have a family.

I don't understand why being a female grad student means that I shouldn't have children (none of my male classmates with children have encountered this problem). I was employed as was my husband, I have amazing insurance which paid for everything 100%, and in many ways being a grad. student allows me flexibility with my schedule and with child care.

Is it easy? No of course not but having twins is never easy but no one can tell me that it would have been any easier once I graduated and was working a full time job. My months of bedrest would have been complicated with my job instead of school, I would need child-care for 8 plus hours a day instead of the few hours when I have class and I would still have work to do in the evening.

I'm just annoyed with peoples inability to maintain any amount of common decency. I am a smart educated woman, married to a smart educated man and together we made the decision to have a family at this point in our lives and frankly that is nobodies business.

There now I feel a little better.