Today made me tired...

I'm honestly too exhausted to go into details about today but we had some less than stellar moments.

The day started with me having my 6 am prayer service, crawling back into bed, Marcus leaving early for a training, and both Eli and Emerson crawling into bed with me.

I fell back asleep, Eli & Emmy did not. Very bad parenting move on my part. I woke up to discover that they had an entire box of chocolate for breakfast.

Then, later in the afternoon I was separating the laundry and they were playing quietly (or so I thought). Emerson brought me her pig, covered in maple syrup and said, "wash mama, bubba did it."

Curious to see what he did, I found him with a bottle of maple syrup. He poured it everywhere. Inside their car, inside his toy stroller, all over our sidewalk, all over himself. He was having a great time.

I got the hose out to try and clean everything up, and Eli and Emerson decided this would be a good moment to play in the water (our hose doesn't fit quite right and a lot of water shoots of at the spout).

The only saving grace is that he took the maple syrup outside and not in the house.

Christmas and infertility...

Marcus and I are among the success after infertility crowd, but I haven't forgotten the deep pain of infertility, especially around the holidays.

In fact Christmas is something that I will always associate with our infertility, because we were home for Christmas when we received the phone call with our diagnosis. The news that having a biological child  was not an option, the news that having a child would require medical intervention.

We've made great strides since then, we've become parents x 2, but I haven't forgotten.

I continue to be surprised by those around me who also experience infertility. Particularly, when the pain and the language surrounding the loss of infertility is so similar to my own. I've been reading a book by Miro.slav V.olf (I don't want him to google his name and find my blog haha), called F.ree of C.harge. He's incredibly well known in the field and was my theology professor in graduate school.

We have absolutely nothing in common. He's a 55 year old man from Croatia. He's brilliant, a giant in the field, author of countless books. Our paths crossed briefly in the Fall of 2008 when he was my systematic theology professor, but I'm sure he wouldn't even remember my presence in that class.

Yet, as I was reading his book I discovered that he and his wife suffered through infertility, 9 years they tried to have a child, 100 months of trying. And in his book he expressed, in words almost identical to my own, what it's like at Christmas and in Advent to experience infertility, he writes;

"The season of Advent was the worst. "For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given," I would hear, read, or [sing] in hundreds of different versions. But for me a child was withheld. The miracle of Mary's conception, the rejoicing of the heavens at her newborn child, the exultation of Elizabeth, all became signs of God's painful absence, not God's advent,... at Christmas, I felt like a child in a large family, the only one to whom parents had forgotten to give gifts. Others' joy increased my sadness. "And his name shall be called, 'wonderful, a mighty God..." No, not wonderful; at best puzzling. No, not a mighty God; at best, a sympathetic but disappointing divine observer. (page 31).

These words, these emotions, are the things I felt, are things I expressed, it's the pain I bore. It's the pain that so many are still bearing as they mourn the absence of a desperately desired child. I am remembering them right now as we approach Christmas. The pain of what seems to be God's absence, in the midst of celebrating miracles of conception.

I imagine that there are some who wonder if I'll ever "get over" the infertility. After all we have children, the end goal of all of this, and in some ways I have. In the book V.olf refers to infertility like a poison, and after he and his wife adopted their two sons he wrote, "Since [infertility] gave me what I now can't imagine living without, [that] poison was transmuted into a gift, God's strange gift. The pain of it remains, of course. But the poison is gone" (32).

That's exactly how I feel. The poison of infertility is gone, and infertility is a poison; it brings out some ugly, crazy, painful emotions, thoughts, and feelings, which once consumed me and made baby showers, birth announcements, pictures, pregnancies etc., a painful and ugly reminder of what we couldn't have. That poison is gone, and I'm so grateful for that, but the pain is something that will always remain.

And so with just a few days before Christmas I remember and offer a prayer of hope and strength for those still in the midst of both the poison and the pain.

Things my kids say...

I realize that these posts are probably only really interesting to me and Marcus and maybe my MIL who reads this blog, but as their language skills progress, I continue to be amazed and amused by them.

So if you don't want to read the things my two year olds say no worries but I want to remember.

~As I've mentioned before Eli is still in love with his bottle and he asks for one all day long. If he hurts himself, and cries, he has figured out this is a good opportunity to garner some sympathy and request a bottle (this almost always works with his dad). I however will not give him a bottle during the day I'm the mean mom.

Lately I've been telling Eli that bottles are for little babies and he's a big boy. So today Eli says, "bottle?"

And I told him he was a big boy. His response was, "no bottle baby" over and over he kept insisting that he was in fact a baby I should just give him a bottle.

~ Around 5:30pm we were all getting antsy so I decided we would go for a walk with the wagon and see some of the christmas lights. We made a brief pit-stop at the store so I could get a soda (I needed some caffeine it's my only vice :~).

Eli did not want to get out of the wagon, but I finally coaxed him inside. The entire time we were in store Emmy kept reassuring Eli saying, "One minute bubba, one minute bubba"

Because I had told them it would only take one minute. When we got back to the wagon Emmy said, "See bubba all better."

Haha, she can be so sweet.

~I also continue to get a big kick about her re-telling of their visit to santa. Tonight on our walk we saw a santa decoration. Emmy pointed out santa and said, "Santa, I crying, candy, markers, book"

Her way of explaining that she cried when she saw santa, but he gave her some candy, crayons, and a coloring book. She's pretty matter-of-fact about the whole thing. I think the surprises from santa helped make up for the trauma of crying.

~ Finally, Eli's newest thing is to flip whatever we say to him back to us. For example if we say:

"Eli do you need a new diaper?" He'll respond, "No you need diaper."

"Eli you need to clean up." "No you clean up"

"Eli eat your dinner" "You eat dinner"

"Eli be nice" "You be nice"

He says these things with a big smile on his face as though he's making the funniest joke ever, and pointing back at us. Emphasis on the you. He's not being naughty or talking back, he's truly just joking around, (the best I can tell from his mannerisms).

Today was busy...

and I'm incredibly tired.

~Church

~Preparation for my open house

~Open house at the parsonage

~Caroling
While caroling we stopped at the house of an older man that I've never met. He saw me at the funeral I officiated last week, and so tonight he says to me, "I saw you at the service I thought you were just a child, no older than a junior in high school, but you sure are cute as hell."

Normally, these "being too young" comments bother me but from this guy it was just hilarious.

I also discovered that in the tiny little town of "Mayberry" there's a whole section I haven't explored. Very educational to carol around the small town.

~Soup and fellowship following caroling at the parsonage.

I didn't get my Sunday afternoon nap. Now onto this week. Christmas eve service and a Christmas day service to plan before my in-laws arrive.

Plus I haven't made any Christmas cookies yet and really feel like I should...

How is it already a week until Christmas?

They're not Santa Fans...

I felt like a bad mom for the few seconds that it took to take the picture, but I just had to do it.

This was our third trip to visit Santa. I was hoping that with a few visits they would get comfortable and I wouldn't have to deal with crying kids. (I really, really don't want them to ever feel uncomfortable or scared for a photo opt. It's never my first option). 

Our second trip went really well. Eli brought his stuffed puppy to meet Santa and asked for candy. He must have forgotten because today it was just tears for both of them.

However, as soon as it was over they both thanked Santa for their candy and happily wandered off with their candy cane, so it must not have been too traumatizing. All day today Emerson has been saying, "Santa, candy, I crying," she's pretty matter-of-fact about the whole experience. 

P.S. Isn't Santa's face hilarious? We had three options to chose from but when I saw Santa's face in this one I couldn't resist. 

They also really like Santa from a distance, they mostly just don't want to sit with him. 

P.S.S. In another episode of weird things people say. We were at the grocery store and a women asked if they were twins. (That's not weird, it's pretty standard). Then she says, "Oh look how cute, your daughter is blinking."

Umm... why yes she is.

St Lucia Day...

Today, we haphazardly celebrated St Lucia day. I was so proud because I was way more on top of it this year than last and I was planning on finishing everything I needed to do for it yesterday.

Then I couldn't move at all yesterday so there went those plans. Instead I had to drive Marcus to work at 7 and then I did errands with Eli and Emmy for 3 hours this morning. That was a nightmare.

Then I quickly created Emerson her wreath crown, Eli his star-boy outfit, we whipped up some Cinnamon rolls (because once again I wasn't on the ball enough to make something authentic).

Before I was out of commission, I was planning on delivering treats to the people in my congregation. That didn't happen. We only made it to one house before we called it a day. Plus neither Eli or Emmy would wear their head pieces. Oh well, there's always next year.

Going to the house of my parishioner to deliver some treats. 

Inside, playing.

Trying to get a picture.

Our star boy, he looks very enthusiastic. This is the only picture I could get with his hat on. 

Trying to get a picture of both of them. 

Our little St. Lucia the only picture with her wreath on. 

Then they had a great time playing at the church. 

And had to be carried home by their dad, because they found all the piles of leaves and didn't want to come inside. 

Here's the paper I printed up to give to those we visited. Most of the information came out of a children's book I have called Lucia Saint of Light by Katherine Bolger Hyde. It's a very simple explanation so that people would have a basic understanding of what we were doing. 

In Sweden on December 13^th is the Feast of St. Lucia. The Swedish people love St. Lucia because she saved Sweden from famine in the middle ages. On the darkest day of the most terrible winter, they saw a boat sailing towards them. In the front of the boat stood a beautiful maiden, dressed in white and glowing. When the boat reached land St. Lucia handed out sacks of wheat for all the people to eat.

Lucia also means light. In Sweden, the winter nights are very long, with only a few hours of daylight. So St. Lucia is associated with the return of light.

Today, the oldest girl in the family dresses in a white gown with a red sash. She wears a wreath of candles, which helps light the way and keep her hands free to carry food. On December 13^th the oldest girl sings and delivers food to family and friends. The other females in the family dress as attendants also in white but without the crown wreath of candles.

                                   

The boys in the family dress in white, with a white pointy hat and are known as Stjärngossar (Star boys) and accompany St. Lucia as she delivers her food. The traditional food on St Lucia day is a Lussekatter Bun, (I was afraid to try and make them for other people) so instead we bring you a Cinnamon Roll in celebration of this day as we celebrate and remember our Scandinavian Heritage.

Not a good health day for me...

Last night I was in immense pain. I couldn't move without every joint in my body screaming in agony. Today wasn't any better, in fact, it was worse.

I'm not sure if I'm sick or if this is a Crohn's flair up. Crohn's can cause joint pain and I without a doubt have joint pain. It hurts to exist in my body at the moment.

Thank goodness Marcus had today off because I was useless. Mostly, I laid around, tried to stay warm, and tried to avoid moving. 

When I was resting in the bed Emerson brought me 5 blankets to cover me up. Funny girl.