What a difference the nurse makes...

Last night we had the bad nurse again. She's just awful (I do want to say she's not doing anything 'wrong' she just makes us uncomfortable) to the point that I almost started crying when she was touching my baby. She still won't let us do anything, although she did ask if we wanted to dress Emerson last night. She gave us exactly two minutes before she said, "Do you just want me to do it?" um... again no we don't. I realize that Marcus and I are not as efficient at changing and dressing the babies as the nurses but we're new at this. Putting the baby in the an over the head onesie was a new challenge, not to mention we had to weave all the wires through. We got her dressed we just need space and time to figure things out. Her hovering does not help. We did get her dressed (as is evident in the pic below).



She also clearly has a preference for girl babies which drives me nuts. She just makes Marcus and I tense. Last night she was rubbing Emerson's head really hard. I have no idea if this is beneficial in anyway (does anyone know? I googled but found nothing, aside from placing the hand on the head, which we do, but not rubbing) but both Marcus and I hated it, and it made us tense and upset. To which she assumed we were fighting and started asking all kinds of questions, I just wanted to blurt out that she was the problem. I'm definitely going to be speaking to someone about not having her assigned to our babies. I don't want our time with the babies to be uncomfortable. In good news though both babies gained an oz. So Emerson is officially back at her birth weight 3lbs 30z, and Eli reached the 4lbs mark.

Today we went back in the afternoon and had a such a great experience all due to the nurse. Emerson ate 17cc from a bottle, and loves sucking her pacifier. It's so big but she sucks on it so well it's adorable. They aren't going to push her too fast with the bottle though since it requires so much energy and we're trying to fatten our babies up, not have them burn calories.

The nurse also let me change Emerson and check her temp, and gave me space and time to do it because as I mentioned above I'm still not speedy with the changing process. Marcus was then able to change Eli and the nurse also moved Eli's isolette over next to Emerson's so that Marcus and I can sit by each other and each hold a baby. (Previously they were across the room from one another).

Finally, Marcus was able to do kangaroo care with Eli for the first time (I wore the wrong shirt). It was adorable and Eli really seemed to like it.



I would have done it with Emerson but she's being our little glow baby again because of her bili levels. Hopefully she'll be off the lights tomorrow and we can each do kangaroo care with a baby. It was such a nice relaxing (well as relaxing as the NICU can be) time. Compared to our experiences with their night nurse.

Quick Update

Both babies are on breast milk with a supplement to add calories in an effort to fatten them up and give them nutrients. Emerson is still getting 27cc and in big news she took 5 cc from a bottle last night at 5, and again later in the evening. So they're going to keep introducing a few cc's by bottle everyday. She also weighs 3lbs 2oz now, almost back up to her birth weight. She's still looking a little yellow so they're going to check her bili levels again to see if she needs to go back under her lights, but she's doing really great and continues to maintain the title of 'feisty' from all the nurses.


Eli, is also doing well. He gained another oz, so he's 3lbs 15oz now, but he still is not having anything to do with a bottle. The sucking. swallowing, breathing combo is just still too much for him. This is how Marcus and I found him yesterday, all sprawled out in his isolette. He's a pretty low key baby and he sleeps with his mouth open which cracks us up.



The past two nights Eli and Emerson have had a night nurse that Marcus and I do not like at all. Which is really strange because all of the NICU nurses up until this point have been amazing. For some reason this nurse just rubs us the wrong way. She's a little possessive of our babies, won't let us help with anything because in her words "you'll have plenty of diapers to change." Umm...so not the point. These are our babies and our time with them is already so limited, and she treats us like we're idiots which I really don't appreciate. Yesterday when Eli was swaddled she turned and said, "You do know that when you get them home no blankets in the crib." Yes, I know that, but I'm pretty sure swaddling is okay, especially when they're still tiny.

The other annoying thing she does is when we're sitting there rocking them, she'll come get in their faces and starting talking to them in a really obnoxious voice, I'm of the mindset that when we're there rocking our babies she should really just let us be unless we have a specific issues or concern. She's just really irritating and I hate that she's responsible for my babies.

1 Week Old

Our babies are one week old today and they continue to improve everyday. Emerson now weighs 3lbs 1oz and Eli is still 3lbs 140z. They were doing similar things today which I noticed after we uploaded the pictures. Emerson's head ultrasound was normal, Eli had his today we'll find out the results tomorrow.

"... while I pondered weak and weary..."- Poe

So I know that most of the poem The Raven has nothing to do with this situation but the words weak and weary describe how I'm feeling, and this line keeps playing in my head. A few weeks ago in the hospital I can remember telling Marcus I felt weak and weary, (he didn't get the reference) but the weak and weary feeling has continued. I'm exhausted. Everything right now requires so much energy and between recovering from the c-section, pumping what seems like all the time everyday, and the hours spent in the NICU my body just wants to sleep for a week. I'm sure this too will pass and once I'm feeling physically better I think that will help.

Marcus had the day off yesterday so we spent the afternoon and evening with the babies. Both continue to do really well. Yesterday they were doing a trial run with Emerson off of her nasal cannula to see how she tolerated breathing just room air on her own. For the most part she did really well. They nurse said through out the day there were a few times when the levels dropped causing her monitor to alarm, but she was able to pull out of it each time on her own.

They also increased her feedings again to 27cc and she's digesting all of it. I also got to change her twice yesterday and while it's still a bit of a process I think I'll get better. There are wires everywhere and it's hard to work just sticking my hands through the two openings. I also took her temperature and changed her clothes. I wish we could be there more often so I could do that all the time.


Emerson also cracks us up because she pulls on her wires. She's been doing this since she was born. She hates them and the nurses all say that she's a feisty little thing. Yesterday she managed to pull her feeding tube out. I think she was pretty proud of herself, that is until they had to put it back in. Then she wasn't too happy, but she was using her tiny little arms to block the nurse and push it away. It was adorable. Then after they got it back in they swaddled her so she couldn't pull it out, but she squirmed her arms out the top of her swaddle and was pulling again. Poor baby, she really just wants to be left alone and without the wires and feeding tubes.


In final update news Emerson is down to 3lbs again, she lost an ounce, and they did an ultrasound of her head yesterday which is just standard practice for all premature babies. We don't have the results of that yet.

Eli, continues to show off. They increased his feedings again and have started supplementing his milk with a powder that mimics all the nutrients they would have received from me in the third trimester had they not decided to make an early arrival. It also adds more calories in an effort to fatten our baby up. Eli is back up to his birth weight now 3lbs 14oz. He seems so big compared to Emerson. I also got to snuggle with him for a long time yesterday. He's such a snuggily baby.



Yesterday, Eli decided to scare his parents a couple of times, by slipping out of his wires. Which caused his monitor's alarm to go off. I hate those stupid alarms (and they were going off like crazy yesterday for all the babies) and I was relieved each time to learn it was just a matter of wire connections. These crazy babies do not seem to be big fans of all their tubes.

Marcus and I are getting braver with the babies. Yesterday we attempted and accomplished our first baby hand off. One would think such things wouldn't be such accomplishments but for us they are. Marcus has very little experience with babies, and I have very little experience with such tiny babies. It was pretty funny we were talking it through and I kept reassuring Marcus that we weren't going to break her, and Marcus even managed to switch Emerson from one arm to the other. I guess we should be patient with ourselves we've only been at this parenting thing for a week.

I also continue to be so grateful for how well both of them are doing. Being in the NICU there are so many different extremes and challenges that some of these babies are facing. The little boy next to Emerson turned blue yesterday and stopped breathing in his moms arms (I saw him turn blue) it was terrifying seeing a baby just stop and tons of doctors literally running into the room to bag him. I can't even imagine what that was like for the parents, and the little girl next to Eli has been in the NICU since Jan. and there's no sign of her leaving any time soon. We mostly try and focus on our babies as that's what we're suppose to do, but my heart goes out to the other parents around us. At this point Marcus and I are so fortunate that are babies just need to grow and develop a little more.

Ultrasound

Today I received a phone call reminding me of an ultrasound scheduled for tuesday of next week. I was so confused, for the life of me I could not remember what this was about. Then Marcus reminded me that I should still be pregnant and they scheduled another growth scan for next tuesday at the hospital.

How crazy. So much has changed in just a short time.

Progress

Yesterday afternoon we were pleasantly surprised to learn that Emerson had been moved from room 4 to room 2 to be with her brother. Since we had seen her the night before, she had come off the lights, increased her feedings from 6cc to 18cc and was digesting all of it, and is now breathing room air with just a tiny nose tube that provides just an extra something (I forgot all the official terminology and reasoning). Best of all we finally got to hold our baby girl. She feels so tiny, even next to her brother even though he only weighs 10oz more than she does. She also finally started gaining weight again and now weighs 3lbs 1oz. We're so grateful for her quick progress. I think she must want to catch up to Eli.




Eli, also continues to do well. He's now up to his full feeding limit for his size 1 oz, and because he's digesting all of it he no longer has to be supplemented by IVs. He's also gained and now weighs 3lbs 11 oz. Marcus ended up holding Eli for over an hour yesterday because the nurse was busy with another baby. I came and found Eli snuggled up tightly with his dad. It was too cute.



And other than that things are the same. Marcus is splitting his time between work, school (it's finals time), and the NICU and we both just exhausted. We look forward to the day when the babies come home it's draining to go to hospital and sit for hours. We spent around 4 hours there last night so we had time to hold each of them, and were there for their feeding and changing times.

And just because I think they're cute a few more pictures.

Discharge day

Yesterday, after a month in the hospital I was discharged to go home. It was definitely bitter sweet. On one hand I was so tired of living at the hospital, but it was a great comfort knowing the babies were just a few floors below me and I could get to them in a few minutes. I took my time checking out and then Marcus and I went and spent several hours with the babies before going home.

Emerson was still on the lights being a glow baby and we still haven't held her. I think the nurses know we are getting anxious about our inability to hold her and the fact that we hadn't even really seen her face. So one of the nurses took off her tubes and hat and let us have a look at her precious face for only the second time. This time we were able to get a picture.


Both Marcus and I also had a chance to change the baby's diapers. For Marcus this was the first diaper he ever changed and he did a great job, although Emerson was very cooperative for her dad and didn't kick or squirm too much.



Then I changed Eli's diaper and the nurse this time didn't help at all. It took much longer than it should have, but his wires and IV on his feet kept getting tangled and then I think he was just annoyed with me so he started kicking and screaming. Poor baby I assured him that I would get better and faster at the task and it'll be easier when we don't have the plastic barrier to work around either.


Emerson is still about the same. She's being fed 6cc at this point and they have her exclusively on breast-milk because she tolerates it so much better and she didn't lose any more weight yesterday and is holding steady at 2lbs 15oz. She also had her first messy diaper yesterday which is a positive sign that the digestive stuff is starting to work. Haha it was really funny because the nurse showed us the diaper. Who knew we would one day be so excited about a messy diaper.

After spending time with the babies it was time to go home, and I hated every second of leaving the hospital without them. It's hard. I hate not being there all the time, I feel guilty that we can't be there for all the feedings and changes and it was so surreal to walk back into our apartment after so long, knowing that nothing would ever be the same, but for the moment things kind of were. It was sad. Both Marcus and I took a nap and then headed back to the hospital as fast as possible.

When we got back to the hospital we walked into room 4 and Eli wasn't there. This is not a nice thing to do to parents and both Marcus and I panicked. Turns out that Eli is doing so well that he was able to move up to room 2, and they needed his space for another baby. I totally understand that, but I hated that they didn't tell us before hand, and I hate that the babies are separated now. So last night we were bouncing back and forth between the rooms. Feeling guilty because we were in Eli's room for a lot longer since we could hold him. He's still so tiny, and his little preemie clothes still just swim on him. Marcus and I need to go shopping to buy him so more clothes that are hospital accessible. Since he can be dressed but still has IV's, monitors, and feeding tube wires to work around.


They were really apologetic about having to move him and this move is bittersweet. The fact that he's in room two means he's doing really really well. He's almost up to his full feeds now (still not taking a bottle) and other than that he is doing great with everything. He now weighs 3lbs 11oz, up an oz from yesterday. While on the other hand I really just want my babies to be together, so we can visit with both of them at the same time. I want to hold Emerson and I really want her to catch up some to her brother so she can make the move soon too.


As far as my healing goes. I'm sill really sore and moving is hard but getting some what easier. Our bed is really high and difficult for me to get into but we're managing and the pumping is still going really well. It makes me happy knowing I can at least do that much to help in the growth of our babies.

This is hard. I want our babies to come home.