Emerson's turn to be a glow baby...

When we went down to the NICU this morning Emerson was on the lights today. Her bilirubin was at 8 which is right on the cusp of being a problem and they just wanted to be proactive in treating it. She was still only taking 3cc of food through a tube and seems to tolerate the breast milk much better than the formula so that's all they've been feeding her through her tube. By her night time feeding they had increased it to 6cc (a table spoon of food) but most of it didn't digest or go anywhere. Her breathing continues to improve and by last night they were able to remove an IV from her hand and from her stomach making it a little easier for us to hold her hand. Last night in the midst of all of her flailing around she got her hand stuck underneath some of the tape from a wire and then couldn't move her hand. Poor thing was getting so frustrated. We're hoping in the next few days we'll get to hold her. She's down a little in weight still and weigh 2lbs 15oz. She's such a scrawny little baby.


Both Eli and Emerson had little lambs in their isolates yesterday when we went down there. I guess a few years ago on of the NICU nurses started a program called "Lambs of Love" and so she personally buys a little lamb to keep all the babies company.


As far as Eli's progress goes he was off the lights so we were once again able to hold him. He continues to show off with his breathing and eating and by last night he was up to 20cc of food. He gets a mixture of breast-milk and formula, still primarily through his tube. The doctor told us he absolutely no concerns about Eli at this point and he just needs to continue to grow and learn to eat better. Which is such great news. My favorite part of yesterday was being able to change his diaper. It was a little scary since he's so tiny but the nurse kept assuring me he wasn't going to break (even though that's what if felt like). I was also able to calm him down when he was crying. We were getting ready to leave when he started screaming and when I put my hand on his head and started talking to him he calmed down and after about 30 min went to sleep. He's also down just a little in weighs 3lbs 10oz.



Marcus and I have also started telling the babies stories. We've started by telling them about their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins which takes awhile because there are many of them. Marcus also shares his version of nursery rhymes. They're a little off from the originals. He was telling Emerson about some egg who sat on a wall and slipped off, and Eli about a pickle that jumped over the moon. Close enough for me, although I did warn Marcus that when our kids go off to preschool they may be a little confused to learn that the egg has a name, and that it was a cow that jumped over a moon and not a pickle.



As for me I'm still sore but it's getting easier to move each day. Marcus and I went to a breastfeeding class and a discharge class (They nurses seem to be amazed at Marcus' participation in all of this and keep thanking him for being there, Marcus just said to me, "I can't imagine not being there.") neither one too helpful since they applied mostly to full term babies (the demo doll was twice the size of Eli and Emerson) and I'm continuing to pump and it's going very well. The nurses in the NICU are always excited when we bring more milk for the babies to eat. Things are going very well at the moment, and for that we are grateful.

I'm going home tomorrow, after a month in the hospital, and feeling really sad about having to leave our babies behind. Knowing it'll be that much harder to see them once we're home.

Mother's Day

Generally, I'm not a huge fan of mother's day. After years of IF I know the hurt the day can cause for those who can't/don't yet have their babies, and I think a lot of women who are mother's end up being somewhat disappointed. That being said I have to admit I really did love being a mother on mother's day this year. Not because I wanted or needed any presents but because after years of trying I was finally with my babies, and that's all we've ever really wanted. I went back and read my blog entry from mother's day a year ago, it's amazing how much can change, and my hope is that for all the women and men still trying to have their babies that they too will one realize that reality. IF is so hard and unfair and I hate the days that serve as a bold reminder of that pain. At least for me the pain of IF is not something one every fully forgets or gets over (at least not at this point).

It also didn't hurt that when we went down to the NICU yesterday there were little cards in each of the babies isolates wishing me a happy mother's day with their little foot prints on them. So cute. I have no idea who does that kind of thing for the babies but it's a really nice personal touch.



As far as the babies progress goes Eli needed to go under the lights yesterday because of some jaundice. He was our little glow baby, with sun glasses. The worst part of it was we couldn't hold him at all again yesterday because of the lights. However, we were lucky enough to be there when they were changing his diaper and feeding him, and when the removed him from the lights he started throwing a fit, kicking and screaming. It was actually kind of adorable and he turned all red and exhausted himself. I think he just wanted to be left alone and when the nurse picked him up he was not happy about it. He also drank from a bottle a little bit yesterday before it became just a little too much work for him, and I was finally able to pump a little and he seemed to have a preference for the breast milk. Which is good motivation to keep working at all of that. The nurse said depending on his levels I might get to try and feed him soon. He's eating about 15 (something I forgot the measurement because I'm exhausted and on pain meds) and continues to show off for us with how well he's doing.





Emerson is also doing a little better. So far she's managed to avoid the lights and they were able to turn down her O2 a little bit. They were also able to feed her a little through her tube but she's only getting 3 (whatever measurement I need to figure that out) and her digestive skills still aren't the best. She seems so uncomfortable at times with all her IV's and wires and often when we're visiting she'll kick and cry and move. It's so hard not to be able to hold her, especially when she just seems so tired and annoyed with all the wires. Hopefully some time soon she'll be stable enough. She did open her eyes for us yesterday and we were finally able to see her a little better.



They are both also trying really hard to suck their thumbs so so cute.

As far as me. I'm still in quite a bit of pain but the percocet is my best friend and I'm just trying to move as much as I can.

Day #1...

Yesterday was both amazing and exhausting. The exhausting part; being required to move. Holy crap, I don't think I've ever heard anyone mention how much a C-section hurts, and their remedy for healing faster, moving more even though that's the last thing I feel like doing. This is of course complicated by the weeks of bedrest that have left me without any muscle in my legs or arms. They kept telling me to use my legs to help me stand up, yeah right. Every movement, every step yesterday was horrible. This morning I woke up sore all all. My legs, my back, my arms... yeah I'm really out of shape.

Additionally, the nurses and doctors love to press on my freshly wounded belly. I know why they're doing it but again holy crap. I'm still hooked up to my IV, although I did convince them to remove one of them (I had two) and hopefully if my blood levels even out today the other one can come out too. Marcus has been a huge help, I seriously don't know what I would do without him. Everything I do at the moment requires help and it's not glamourous or fun (I think he can vouch for that at 2 am last night when I needed to use the bathroom but couldn't get out of the bed).

The amazing part of course continues to be our babies. I was able to spend several hours with them yesterday and they are so precious. Both Marcus and I were able to hold Eli for the first time since he's doing so well. According to his doctor Eli is showing off a little bit, with how well he's doing. They started feeding him yesterday (through a tube in his nose) he didn't quite grasp the concept of suck, swallow and breathe from a nipple yet it was a bit too advanced for him, but he's been digesting everything they've given him. He has lost a few ounces but that is to be expected of all new babies. He's also sucked on a pacifier a few times which is adorable.





Then there's little Emerson. She's still to unstable to be held, as it would just be too much stimulation for her. She is still on CPAP and she just seems so uncomfortable. Last night when we were visiting she was crying and kicking (it was a tiny precious cry) and it was so hard to not be allowed to try and help her. The best we can do for now is hold her hand, which is hard because she has IV's all over the place. We did however get to see her last night without the CPAP and hat for the first time, when they were checking her vitals and changing her diaper. She had her eyes open, and she has dark hair that has a little curl to it. She is precious. She too has lost weight and is down to 2lbs 15oz, and they haven't tried to feed her yet because she's not ready quite yet.


All in all the babies are doing well for their gestational age. Both Marcus and I are in love with them and we can't wait until we can hold both of them. (I still need to write my birth story before I forget but that will come later)

The babies have arrived!

Friday May 8th we welcomed our little ones into the world, after my water broke at 1:30 am. Introducing:

Eli Marcus
3lbs 14 oz
17.5 in.


Emerson Elaine
3lbs 3oz
16.75 in.


I'm too sore and exhausted to go into details now but Eli is breathing on his own, while Emerson is on CPAP. The whole birth story to come later. I'm hoping I am able to go down and see them some more today. I only saw them briefly yesterday after the C-section (for about a minute each). I've been dependent on Marcus for video and pictures.

32 Weeks!!

When we were first admitted to the hospital 5 weeks ago, Marcus and I kept hoping that we would make it at least another 5 weeks and at that time it seemed so impossible, yet here we are! As hard as the bedrest and the hospital are I know that every day/week we can give these babies is beneficial and worth any amount of my own discomfort.

Not a whole lot more to update other than I spoke with the high risk doctor yesterday about the growth scan. She had a graph with her that showed the growth of the babies up until this point. The good news is they both continue to grow at the same rate. However, the babies are starting to fall behind where the doctors would ideally like them to be. Overall not a huge deal. She instructed me to remain pregnant and they'll repeat the growth scan in two weeks. I'm not really concerned at this point. I'm doing what I can do. The babies are gaining and at this point there's really no reason to worry.

I also gained this week finally (after a month of not gaining) I'm up four pounds from the last weigh in, for a total gain of 32lbs for the pregnancy. So I'm still avg. a pound a week.

Finally, 32 week belly pics. You'll notice I don't have the hospital gown on today. I had Marcus bring me some t-shirt (all belong to him because I can no longer fit in even my biggest t-shirts) and I'm way more comfortable this way, although I won't be winning any fashion shows anytime soon, I look like I'm wearing my high school gym clothes, oh well. I can't wait to not live in a bed and can wear normal clothes again.

Growth Scan and other things...

This is going to be a really random posting, since my thoughts are all over the place.

Today, for the first time in 20 days I was able to leave my room. Of course it was literally to go next door for an ultrasound but at this point I'll take whatever I can get. The growth scan was uneventful. Both babies look good, Baby A now weighs 3lbs 6 oz and d is still head down. (Where's he's been consistently) Baby B weighs 3lbs 1oz and she's now breach. She's a crazy baby who flips and moves and runs away from ultrasounds and monitors, I'm hoping at some point she'll flip back down. Overall, I'm satisfied with those weights and relieved to know that they're both still gaining, even though I am not. That was my big excitement for the day.

In other news, this weekend was full of contractions. They were strong and consistent accompanied by a lot of pressure and pain. Which worried the nurses and doctors and prompted my first internal exam (not fun). I'm 100% effaced and 1 cm dilated, which I know means very little at this point. I'm hoping we don't move beyond that for several more weeks. The contractions the last few days have slowed again, and because of my diligence in drinking insane amounts of water I was able to avoid the IV.

After the breakfast debacle Marcus brought me some snacks to keep at the hospital, so no more breakdowns about food at this point. (Thanks for the suggestion, we did have a few things here but Marcus brought things with a little more substance to hold me over between meals).

Yesterday, I also spoke to a lactation consultant and she did a pretty good job of freaking me out. She (unintentionally) made it seem like an impossible, ridiculous task, but after talking with my aunt some I'm feeling a little better about the whole thing and less overwhelmed at the thought of attempting to feed two babies. I guess we'll see what happens with all of that when the time comes.

Marcus went to the doctor yesterday because he's been having really horrible headaches which is unusual for him. He had high blood pressure and the doctor asked if he was under any stress. Once Marcus explained that he was a full time student, worked full time, and his wife, pregnant with twins, is on bed rest in the hospital for PTL, the doctor seemed to think it was indeed stress related. Marcus now has to go to the doctor every day this week to have his blood pressure checked. I told him he could have some of my procardia since I have the opposite problem with low blood pressure, in part due to the medication. Poor guy this is hard on him in a whole different way I think, he's worried about both me and the babies and he's running back and forth all the time in addition to taking care of everyday life things.

Finally, I want to thank the people who have found me through L&F and have been leaving comments. I appreciate all of your comments and suggestion so much. The support is great.

(I told you this would be random).

Mini breakdown over breakfast...

Since being in the hospital I think I've been doing a fairly decent job of coping. I've only cried 2 times, one because of the IV debacle a week ago, and again this morning over breakfast *sigh*. I have to order my meals via telephone and then can expect a 45 minute wait max. for my food to be delivered. So that's what I did this morning, I call at 9:00 am and request my breakfast. Fast forward an hour and ten minutes later and it's still not here. So I called again to inquire about the status of my food and this phone call took about 7 minutes. First, because the person I was speaking with could not figure out my name, even after I spelled it to her several times. For some reason Sadie in her mind translates to Donnie. I even gave her my room number thinking that 4 numbers would be easier than my name. No such luck. Finally, she informs me that my food has just now left the kitchen at 10:11 way past the 45 min mark that I'm suppose to receive it in.

After getting off the phone I just broke down. Being here is hard. It's hard to be dependent on others to bring food and water. It's hard to never have any privacy, it's hard to stare at a pink wall for days on ends, and the mere fact that something as simple as breakfast was such a production this morning was a small breaking point. I just kept thinking that if I was home I could have eaten breakfast at 9:00 am without any delay. Instead it approached 10:30 and I was a really hungry, tired, pregnant woman who just didn't want to deal with any of this any more.

When my food did arrive it was obvious it had been sitting some where for an extended period of time because the things that were suppose to be cold were warm, and the warm food was cold. Who knew not getting my food in the promised amount of time would be a breaking point for me?

Other things I learned this morning:

~My blood pressure was to low for me to take my procardia once again this morning.

~ I'm still anemic despite the fact that I've been taking Iron twice a day in addition to my pre-natal. As my doctor said, "It would be cruel and unusual punishment to make you take it three times a day." Yes, I think it would be. So he's instead adding an additional vitamin to my arsenal which is suppose to help my body absorb it, we'll see.

~The group B strep test they did 4 weeks ago when I was first admitted is going to expire so I get to have another one. Great.

~ My body hurts so much I can hardly move, and sleeping is an impossible task no matter how many pillows and blankets I use to try and get comfortable.

~ I'm contracting still...

~ My babies get the hiccups a lot these days. (Which is both adorable and annoying).

~And finally not getting my food in the promised 45 minutes and being called Donnie makes me cry.

I think it's time for a nap.