Changed

Today, again, I realized just how much I have been impacted by our infertility. I attended an all day seminar day called, "Counseling for Reproductive loss" which involved information on how to effectively counsel men, women, and others who are impacted by reproductive loss in the areas of miscarriage & stillbirth, infertility, adoption loss, abortion, and fetal abnormalities.

I quickly realized that I could be giving the seminar. Through my experiences with IF, and the support network I have found through on-line communications and friends I have real life sources for information, personal experience with the loss, and a knowledge of the technical side of it that the other participants in the room did not seem to have.

There were so many wrong assumptions made that I was constantly working to correct, suggesting different terminology, illustrating the many hurtful ways people try to be helpful, and the different means for support in these situations.

I did not share my story. I never share my story. That story is locked away on my private blog, and known to only a select few. I'm struggling with that aspect of it  I don't want it to be a secret. I have been so profoundly changed and affected by our particular issues in regards to our infertility, my pregnancy, the premature birth and I feel like I can't share it. I suppose a part of me does not feel like it is my story to tell. It's Marcus, Eli and Emerson's story to tell if and when they should choose to share it in the future.

The whole thing is such a huge conflict for me. I want to share, I want to educate, and yet I want to maintain the integrity and personal nature of our story as it impacts my family.

It's something I'll continue to think about and talk through with Marcus.

I guess once again I realized how much the Infertility has totally, completely, altered who I am as a person.

In some ways altered for good, and in other ways not so much.